Spending the last day of the year

looking through all my Facebook photos.

I realised my life has actually been pretty eventful. Scroll past the recent 1AH Taiwan trip and CCAAB and Exco camwhoring sessions and other Council pictures and I'm reminded of little events that made me happy - 6B's gatherings (and one 1J one!), Bailamos with AC Dance, National Day at Marina Barrage with the two awesome people I'll be seeing later, Fun-O-Rama and random school stuff like that awesome Lit lesson with Amelia and Elgyn and our non-math-kids' Antoinette graph, Investiture and Exco Retreat, last year's New Year celebration with my childhood friends at the beach, fun times with my maternal cousins, my Channel Newsasia trip to Hong Kong with Jollin, Grad Nite and the last day of secondary school, Crescent Dance, J4M times (Gosh we need to sing together again soon, I miss the acapella jam), Crescent Dance.

There were a lot of times in Crescent where I wished I belonged. I was pretty closed-up in Crescent, had very few close friends, made a lot, a lot of mistakes. Crescent was four years of stumbling and learning to pick myself up. Lower Secondary was an emotional roller-coaster - Sec 2 was an epic year.

2007. That year I had a best friend, and a group of friends I was very lively and outspoken around, and then I suddenly left her with no best friend to lean on - I called it a virus taking over my system, and I still do, because she was the kindest sweetest most amazing friend and I suddenly couldn't stand being near her anymore. I hated myself for that, even at that time, because she was such a fantastic friend and she never deserved any of it. And then through all that chaos, I found another girl who had been going through a sea of friendship problems, and we just stuck. Found comfort in each other. A very interesting friendship. She wrote lyrics; I composed tunes to them. 失恋的滋味 - does anyone still remember that song? I can still play it on the piano. I can still sing it.

But from then on, I started to become much less vocal about my feelings, although I've been one to write to express my emotions all along. I used to be very hyperactive, and then I closed up. Most of my Sec 3 and 4 life was lonely, just me and Cuixiao. Sometimes I preferred to eat alone in the canteen. Sometimes I preferred to stay in the classroom - an excuse not to have to be around people during recess.

Prom.

There were times in upper secondary that I wished I could fit in with certain people. They seemed to be a bit more accepting of me at times - common experiences, maybe - and I wanted to be friends with them. It had nothing to do with the thrill of 'hanging with the cool kids' or whatever - I mean, I never went out with them or anything - I just wanted to get to know them better, maybe, because I knew they understood what I was going through when nobody else did. When nobody else wanted to listen, or found it revolting. They knew, because they were going through it too. The last night of our Nacli camp, when we just sat and talked - it was a very open conversation, and I was thankful that at that moment, with those people, I was able to participate in a discussion like that - it would never happen with anyone else I knew. It helped me feel more human that I wasn't as alone as I had felt.

It helped so much.

Annie Lim, Mingxuan, Jenna - people I'm not close to, but who were there to talk to me and pick me up when it really, really counted. Just once, really, but it really counted.

But I was never meant to be close to people like that. Maybe the change in appearance from lower to upper secondary was huge - I looked like a freak in Sec 2 - but I was still the same person. And after I had left Crescent, after Prom, I realised that. I realised that I had to stay true to myself. There were people I wish I could be better friends with, but I'm just not their kind of friend, and they weren't mine either. And I shouldn't try to be someone I'm not.

Introducing me:

I'm not rich, for one.

I don't look good in a lot of clothes, don't drink don't club, don't know a hell lot of Western songs because I spent almost my whole secondary school life listening to Mandarin music (I went back to English only after my relationship ended in July last year and I couldn't take listening to anything that would bring memories back or evoke emotions), don't stay out late at night, don't like to swear, don't wear havaianas because they're not comfortable and non-comfortable slippers aren't meant to cost fifty bucks, don't have anything from Fred Perry or Kate Spade or Shu Uemura M.A.C. or Marc Jacobs. Yet.

That's who I am. I'm not a cool kid. My wardrobe is full of Forever 21 and Zara, and that's about it. I love F21 and Zara. I own one pair of shades - the plain black pair I bought in Taiwan. I got my iPhone off eBay. I live in a HDB flat. My mum learnt how to drive so that she could fetch Mark and I to school last year because of his PSLE and my O's. I love JJ Lin - okay I haven't bought his new album that came out early this month, but still - and I hate rap music. My favourite music genre is alternative rock. I hate bitching, I hate gossip. I trust people very easily, almost blindly. I'm a Starbucks addict. I think the Chinese language is immensely beautiful, very emotive, and I wish I could write well in Chinese, because English is pretty non-expressive.

I think singers should be people who can sing.

I think going out with friends more often is what's making me perpetually broke, whether it's for a movie with the Exco or dinner with a friend for some heart-to-heart talk time. But is it a bad thing?

I'm not that used to going out with friends, probably because I was always with my ex in Sec 3 and 4 - gosh, I wasn't used to having friends I can feel so comfortable and happy around, Karen the emo loner - but things are changing now, and I have friends I love being around. People who are willing to spend their time with me, who really spare a thought for me. It's something I'm not used to (I don't mean to sound like an emo loner, but it's true), but it's what I'm getting in AC, and I really treasure everything God has given me here.

Could this be out of line, could this be out of line

Does it make a monster of me, to want to love and live in my bubble of fairy tales and self-delusion, to want to run after the heart-warming sparks and moments of sweet escape while running away from confrontations that would lead to definite answers and complete commitment (or complete abandonment), because I'm afraid of the hurt or loneliness that might follow?

When everything is wrong - we move along.

You've been on my mind throughout this ten-day-long attempt to escape from the madness of Singapore, and I really don't know the real reason for it. Why?

I don't know how I feel, and I don't know how you feel now either- but perhaps it's better that it all remains unknown, because I know how things should not end up.

Do I?

我只知道回到新加坡之后，第一个想见的人就是你。
(Did I even say that right? Gosh I shouldn't try. Just couldn't find a better way to say it in English.)

Your hands are shaking cold-
These hands are meant to hold.
When all you gotta keep is strong
Move along, move along
Like I know you do

Fly along with me; I can't quite make it alone

This trip to KL has passed way too fast. I can't believe I'm returning tomorrow.

I love being here, even if I'm just doing work. I love being around these people I've been with all my life. Family. All of us cousins - including little Connie and Nicholas - were having dinner together in the dining room of the new half of the house (or the recently renamed Internet Cafe room) while the adults were all in the other half, and we were just eating and talking rubbish and laughing and it felt so comfortable. I loved that moment.

I could be here doing my work or feeling insanely bored and still rather not be anywhere else, because it really does feel like home here. If only we all lived in the same country - we could, like, grow up together and buy a humungous house (or buy the entire neighbourhood down) so that all thirteen of us could live together or something. Or at least the six or eight of us who are closer to each other.

I guess I describe how I feel with my maternal cousins like how I feel when I'm with the Council exco, and it does feel equally warm and awesome, but it feels very different too, in a way. but I guess with the Exco it's more 'fun', 'full of spirit and passion', and with the cousins it's more 'comfortable', more 'warm'. Both are families, but families in different ways.

Anywayyyy,

WE WENT TO SUNWAY LAGOON!

Haven't gone there in a really long time. I only went on two rides - Tomahawk, this awesome 360 degrees ride, and the viking ship that now goes 360 degrees too - after that, I felt too dizzy to go on that waterlog thing.

Connie and Nicholas are incredibly cute.

Connie's seven and a crab-eating pro.

I feel. I feel. I feel. inFp.

jollin says (10:42 PM):

And then I realised what I was hanging onto were the feelings, not the person. Fell in love with his words and with the feeling of being loved. So after I let go I realised how easy it is to let go.

I realised how much earlier I'd actually let go before I'd actually put the letting go into official terms.

And I don't consider it a real relationship. All there was to it was words - and we all know words are empty and without substance when they do not carry heart.

His did not, and I guess I knew but was blinded.

Sometimes, dear, I think we were twins in another life.

You know, I'm a very strong feeler. inFp. Very strong. During the MBTI test only one box I checked was for Thinking. When you have a heart-to-heart-talk with some people, you learn a lot about the events that happened, but what you imagine might be the case might be very different from the actual emotions. And with some people - Feelers - the actual events are told in general, but you know exactly how they felt. Their thoughts, their needs.

Just saying.

Okay I really didn't want to do a non-happy post on Christmas Day. Sorry.

So when the clock struck twelve, the cousins gathered around the christmas tree for the ritualistic present-opening time. (I've been thinking, we should pray when the clock strikes twelve, not open presents, yes?)

I got fantasmo stuff, really really happy with it. Quite a number of lipglosses, a daily devotions book - great, great, great gift to help increase my faith on Christmas Day - and a beautiful owl necklace from Diva that I had told Yvonne I had wanted really badly when we went shopping together. Awww. Awesome Christmas.

Except that I spent the whole of today rushing out work for that admin job I took out. I only left the computer to eat.

I finally know why

My blog contains thoughts of mine that are pretty very personal, and it's not always a good thing because it's up for the world to see. Yet I keep doing it. After a lot of thinking, I finally know why. I tried expressing this in speech today while at 1U with Ji Xian and Yvonne, but I was completely unsatisfied with how it came out. But see, I wasn't meant to speak. I write.

A thought in my mind that bothers me is like a dense cloud over my head that won't go away. Whenever I manage a smile, that nagging thought comes back and suddenly it feels forced. It's a deadweight I'm chained to; I'm prisoner to it.

And then when I can't take it anymore, I write it out. Usually it's on my blog. And then the negative memory or thought that's been haunting me becomes a tool. Then I press Publish Post and read it over on my blog and make a few edits until I'm satisfied with how it turns out.

And suddenly, the negative thoughts aren't mine anymore. It's like as if they were meant to serve another purpose - they're part of a story that's meant to be told. No longer a personal deadweight that's keeping me from a carefree smile - they've been set to soar with the beauty of words. Then somehow, the experiences don't haunt me in a personal way. It's a part of a story I've set flight to.

I'd relate this to Harry Potter's Quidditch ball. Remember the small golden thing? When it's in Harry's hands, it's trembling, its wings are buzzing incessantly, it's struggling, struggling. And then finally he releases his grip. And the little ball disappears into the sky. It's been set free.

That's kinda how it feels like.

That's what I meant when he said he didn't really agree with how I put up a lot of my very personal thoughts online for the world to see, and I said that somehow, I prize the beauty of words more than.... than the privacy of the things I write about that I'd actually rather keep private.

It's all a story waiting to be told. To touch a heart or two; to be a mirror to a stranger; to show some girl somewhere that she isn't alone.

When the world’s all as it should be.

I’m back in KL and the cousins, and it feels like I’ve returned home.

Ian's/Ivan's place in KL feels like home to me, perhaps because I've been here all my life. We've played hide-and-seek in the cupboards; played The Family Game with dolls and make-believe worksheets; played Twister and the Game of Life and Crazy Taxi. I love being back in KL, even if I don't do anything here. Just being here and being with the people I've known my entire life (or almost, anyway, since I'm one of the oldest among my maternal cousins) is enough to keep me happy.

Made a new AC friend, Ji En (or Ji Xian), when we realised via Fang Jiunn's status that the three of us were in KL. So we met up two days ago and ate and bowled and ate and ate and ate.

Met him again today with Yvonne because he was at 1 Utama, which is a less-than-ten-minutes' walk from Ian's place. Hooray for new friends! Right after Ji Xian had seen Yvonne and I off, he saw Nick Wong :O And it turns out Nick had seen WL earlier in China. Okay, what?! Interesting small world.

Played the legendary I Never with the cousins - because our parents didn't want us to kill ourselves with water overdose, we did pushups/crunches as a penalty.

Alright, this is one of those lame how-my-day-went posts, but.... yup. I love my cousins. I'm home.

-

I was telling JX about a theory I have about hearts that have been broken - how our hearts are like stone walls that have a hole blasted through them, and how finding cement to patch the hole up is an ideal but unrealistic goal to reach for just yet, so we find whatever we can to fill the hole up to stop it from crumbling for now - playing blocks, sponge, whatever. And he said, why don't you fill the hole with a door that you can open or close at will?

To be able to choose to open or close that door.... that's something I wish I could do. To have control over myself and my crazy, desperate emotions. To be able to seal that door when I don't want it open, that stupid gaping hole.

Might it have been fate?

Maybe I shouldn't have intervened - I haven't really been able to be at peace with my decision.

Well it's too late to turn back now. If anything doesn't turn out like it should, I only have myself to blame.

"Talking to boyfriend ah?" "No" "..Girlfriend?!"

Mum must have been suspecting because of the late-night calls I make (wonder how she'd react if I told her they really were guys nearly all the time) - she said in the car today that she was okay with me getting a boyfriend at my age.

I could laugh at the irony.

Of all the schooling years, I know this is the worst time of all to be emotionally vulnerable - I have a tendency to put studies on the bottom few rungs of the ladder of importance. As more and more things become of importance to me, my academics continuously get pushed down that ladder until it's... not even on the ladder anymore. I mean, I know my studies are crucial, next year of all years - I've been able to bluff my way through the academic years so far, but this is JC - it isn't going to happen anymore. Plus I dream of studying overseas, and I can't do it without external financial support. How can I think of getting a scholarship without aiming to do well in my studies first?

I don't know, I tend to only be able to study if: (a) I have nothing better to do i.e. I've played enough, or (b) it's the last couple of days before the exams and I'm freaking out.

Emotionally, I'm very, very weak. Being emotionally involved in anything causes me to daydream or lose focus all the time, especially at the worst times - when I've got a lot of stuff to do, like listen in class or do my pile of homework or key in data for my temp admin job (like now). I just can't focus on mundane stuff like schoolwork when other things are weighing on my mind. I know some people are able to push them away and fully concentrate on studying when they have to, but I've never been able to do that.

I know I've blogged about this before - sometime in June or July, I thought perhaps I was emotionally stronger now, that I could take the pain and discipline myself to focus on my studies at the same time. Then one tiny, tiny insignificant thing he did - or didn't do - sent my heart in a mess and head in a whirl. I couldn't focus on my classes the entire day; all I could focus on was the wretched pain inside. And then I knew how wrong I was to think I was any stronger than that heartbroken schoolgirl who broke down in the train station just a year ago, who had to call her friend and cry on the phone and be told 'You've got to be strong, you can't look back anymore'.

This is torment.

I love your philosophies and your reasons for doing things - unique and very, very cute. I love your music taste and how similar they are to mine (except for a bit of the Kpop part, because I'm not that into it). I love your honesty and big, big heart. I like your way of handling matters. I love your thoughtfulness, how you show genuine care - it's really sweet. I love how you never try to be someone you're not - again, it's obvious how big a part integrity plays in your life. Most of all, I love your courage. I love how you're willing to discuss your feelings openly, and aren't shy to tell me what you really feel. Guys who aren't afraid to show or express their true feelings are the most attractive, and I really appreciate that about you.

I hate how hearts break, and I hate the scars that refuse to go away, that never stop haunting us afterward.

I'm too afraid of my own heart.

Love tears the seams of our hearts apart

Burnt by your dreams; it's never how it seems
Cold, crushed esteem; take shelter and hide forever
Your soul will be okay

-

Again? I need to reach deep down to the corners of my brain - the depths of my heart - and crush them.

Told myself I was completely through with anything that had to do with you. The messages you sent that used to mean so much to me - when my heart was screaming with thoughts of you I'd read them again and everything would be okay - I'm getting a new phone.

Your charm enthralled me, but your personality's one to make you a person I can't trust. How do you love a person you can't trust without getting yourself hurt endlessly?

Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore - I'm over all of this.

Yet when Adam Lambert was screaming in my ears, I was reminded of that night we were on the bus to Dover together. I was trying to send a text on your phone and I accidentally texted the wrong person. When I was holding the iPhone, trying to send the message again, you showed me how to copy and paste on it - you put your hand over mine to press and hold your finger down on the screen until the Copy option appeared.

Not quite the holding of hands, but almost there. Like teaching someone how to play the piano or - or - teaching someone how to hold the bow of a violin properly, maybe.

Well, it's nothing more than a memory to me, except that I still look back with fondness - I feel my heart racing slightly as I relive it. Someday I'll look back at the memories of you - and the recent crazy incident with another boy - with no emotions, just thoughts, like how I look at the memories of my past relationship.

When that boy accompanied me on a train ride home after a movie recently, I looked up and caught him looking at me with a particular gaze - when I asked him what was wrong, he smiled and shook his head. Later on, I remembered where I had seen that gaze before.

Once, while accompanying me on a train ride home (haha how coincidental), my ex looked at me with that same gaze. I said "Don't look at me like that" - I felt uncomfortable whenever people looked at me; I had always seen myself as nothing more than ugly. But all I got in response was a shake of the head, and my ex continued looking at me like that. I couldn't hold the gaze for long - I looked down for a while, before our eyes met again, and I felt loved.

And for many, many nights afterward, whenever I went to bed or looked into the mirror and detested my appearance, I knew that no matter how ugly I really looked, there was someone I meant the whole world to - someone who felt I was beautiful no matter what.

And then in July '09, there was no one who felt that way anymore.

Just saying. It's a memory at which I look back without real emotions now.

I now know more about yogurt than I'd ever wanted.

I don't know what made me agree to take on an admin job with Geraldine that started the day we returned from Taiwan, but all that searching for and keying in of information is mental suicide. At least Wei Liang gave me a pleasant almost-surprise visit yesterday!

Hooray for great friends who brighten up your day with unplanned, unexpected visits.

AND the Council Exco met up at Plaza Sing to celebrate Justin's and Geraldine's birthday at Aston's, and made a last-minute decision to watch Narnia. YAY!

I think this was the only time I went out to have fun this holiday, excluding the Taiwan trip. The rest of my holiday was taken up by camps and the internship and this job I took up and the college planner.

MY LIFE IS PATHETIC. We're halfway through December, and then 2011 is going to be a crazy hectic year! NOOOO

Bringing Justin's 30-inch Pluto soft toy to work was a joke, but laughing at the way he held the dead-looking soft toy throughout our meetup was worth it.

Geraldine and I got pouches for the Exco - we initially wanted to get Mario and Luigi for Alex and Justin, but then we found Piyo the duck and decided Justin had to have it.

We convinced him that it's a chick magnet. He still refuses to use it though. He doesn't know what he's going to be missing out on if he doesn't use it. Then again, the 12-year-old British girls were apparently "all over" him when he went on the school trip to UK.

Wei Liang got us Disney stuff when he went on the school trip to the US! I love the notebook and pen. Best, most thoughtful present he could give to Karen the perpetually-writing emokid. Except that I already have a diary - it's pretty thin and I'm barely halfway through - and I recently bought another overpriced notebook from Artbox for my random writings. I'll probably use this as a diary after I'm done with my current one - the pages are too pretty to be used as a notebook that I won't refer to again when I'm done with it, so I won't use it for notes etc.

I NEED TO UNLOCK MY IPHONE

because it was from U.S. and I can't use it here.

Please give me suggestions on where to go! Where in Sim Lim? Trustable places? I don't want my $525 to go down the drain. I'll cry a river. SMS me please!

-

1AH + Taiwan = Double Awesomeness

Initially I was dubious about the amount of fun I'd have with the class, because I wasn't exactly really close to most of the people there. I have to say, though, that this was probably the best six days ever. I love my class, and I love our common jokes about each other, and I love how we can laugh and laugh and laugh.

We went to the top of Beijing Taipei 101 and camwhored and played Charades.

We saw a waterfall and got free Geog lessons, witnessed a change of guards ceremony, and um had xiao long bao.

We also camwhored at C.K.S. Shilin Residence Park - really pretty flowers everywhere! - and attempted to climb to the top of Yang Ming Shan in, like, 1.5 hours (or 2.5?). Only Jeremy and Mr. Dranginis made it.

TIRED OUT. We were pretty warmly dressed because we were warned that it'd be pretty cold high up, but it was so hot - we were sweating buckets. (Amelia: 'This is the sweatiest I've seen Jing Quan!')

We went to Yeliu and saw the rocks. PRETTY TTM.

And we went to the Flora Expo and saw.......grass. It was packed. And the weather was hot. Wasn't that exciting a way to end the trip, but we had so much fun nevertheless.

We attempted to recreate the Triwizard Tournament scene from Harry Potter because there was a garden maze.

And this is why my class is awesome.

More photos on Facebook - HERE and HERE!

I have the tendency to say things at the worst times.

I have the tendency to screw something up, and then while the destruction is slowly lessening, I'd unintentionally go back in and screw everything up again.

I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have. Once an unpleasant matter has been closed, I really ought not to go back in and destroy everything again.

Two screw-ups in a day. I think I'm socially inept. I must learn to control, to trust that things will work out by themselves.

And you, you're too nice, and I just get it all wrong.

How long will it take

to get that sweet boy out of my mind?

I hope it won't take us too long to forget this. Thank you for everything you've given me, and I'm sorry for all that I've caused you. I just can't put my life into a huge something that's based on... nothing. On assumptions. Bare assumptions. I assumed you only saw us as friends and nothing more too; you assumed I meant something else. We barely knew each other.

Not yet.

我说你比较像我的好朋友
只是不小心拥抱着

-

Seniors' Night was cool. I still haven't blogged about Taiwan - will get around to doing it when I'm relatively free. Dammit, we're halfway through the holidays and I haven't really had free time at all - I haven't even had a day out with friends yet. CCAAB Camp, Council Camp, ELL internship, Taiwan trip, and now I'm back and my new iPhone's here, and I've still got a crapload of stuff to do - mainly with regard to the college planner. I've yet to transfer my contacts over. And I was supposed to SMS all the Class Reps a long time ago. And I haven't signed up for the SATs because they refuse to accept my address.

Dammit.

I see it, I see it

and I freaking want to die.

I don't know how some people live with a conscience like that. It's revolting. I really want to take it all back. Remove the good times and the hurt that followed. It should never have happened. I don't know what else to do, or say.

Eff this shit lah. I hate this. Hurting someone is worse than being hurt.

Well I don't completely know how I feel either, but I'll try to analyze it accurately. I feel comfortable with you. I really, really like who you are as a person. You're very sweet and thoughtful. I do think of texting and meeting you, and back there I wanted to be around you too. But I think I see you as more of a brother. A really sweet brother, and someone I'd like to get to know better. I think I'm trying to push myself to like you, but some things just won't work if you push it. Someday I'd like to be able to hold your hand and hug you, but know that you don't treat me as any more than a sister or good friend. I'm uncomfortable with knowing that you have feelings for me in that way because I am the cause of your hurt, and I don't want to hurt you. Yeah.. to me you're a really sweet bro, but I don't want to think of us as more than that. But when you hold my hand and stuff, I feel cared for.

And then everything goes incredibly wrong

and then it just sucks when you realise how much of an ass you've been.

I'm sorry, I really am, and I really do love the person that you are, and I'm glad I've gotten to know this side of you these past few days, and I hope our friendship continues, and I hope the both of us will be able to get rid of that little growing ball of light in our minds.

"我们好像不应该这样做."

You're right, thank you for reminding us both, and I'm sorry.

"你笑的时候很可爱"

Will blog about Taiwan when I'm not up to my neck in work

"From what you've told me, I think he's actually a really nice guy. I don't think he hurt you intentionally."

"你也像我吗，都不太会表达感情。"

And when I come back, I'll be 10kg heavier.

When in Taiwan, dress like the Taiwanese.

While my classmates take this overseas trip to be a fashion show and drown in their pretty branded stuff, I'll be throwing on some random F21 / Zara TRF thing and a few supercheap Hongkong-bought accessories and look just like a typical Taiwanese girl. Hopefully. Without looking like an ah lian.

Even when school's out, I go on Facebook and you're all over my News Feed. Your pictures, your name - they're haunting me. Thank goodness mum's not letting me bring the laptop because she needs to use it - I'll really miss the Internet, plus this is the first time since it mattered that I'm going overseas without my laptop, but at least I won't have to see your name anymore. I won't be able to look at your pictures even if I wanted to. I won't have to be reminded of you. It'll be a good break.

It'll be a good break, and I hope things will be better by the time I come back.

A Misunderstood God

"They say the only way to get to heaven is by believing in God, so a massmurder that've killed 200 kids could go to heaven aslong as he believes in God, but a doctor that saves lives everyday gives 100000$ in chairity and is the kindest person in the world and doesn't believe in God goes to hell... What kind of God is that to believe in... some saint..."

I've never believed that all who believe in God - or claim to - will go to Heaven. Proclaiming your belief is one thing; living it out with kind deeds, true repentance and the genuine desire to change for the better, to really have a compassion for other people's lives and want to help them, is another. If you claim to believe in God but your life and mindset hasn't really been changed by Him for the better, how much of a believer are you, really, and how different are you from a non-believer?

I don't think God punishes those who don't know Him, but those who refuses to accept His ways of kindness and selflessness, or doesn't do these kind things for the right reasons. It's all about the thoughts/motives behind the deeds, I think. The things nobody else sees but yourself, and God.

All I know is that I hate myself because of you

Omg, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, if only I could call you now and scream. down. the. phone. I want to scream. You're revolting. You're revolting. The girls understand when I tell them - they can't wait to slap you, either. The guys don't - is it normal for guys to be like that?

Please, no. If it's normal for guys to be like that I'm forcing homosexuality on me.

This is gross. You are gross. You're disgusting. The person you portray yourself to be is on the opposite side of the spectrum from who you really are. And I mean, if people knew you were a flirt it's alright because they'd take your flirting with as little seriousness as you do, but when they don't know it, you're playing along with them but they're falling into a deep hole because they actually think you're serious.

It's just mean.

DROWN NOW

I guess the aim of the game of life is never to put too much feelings into anything - emotions are everyone's downfall. But then humans feel, it's natural. So why does the world push us not to put our emotions into things? Not even relationships, at this age - the girls fall too deep because they don't realise the guys treat it like just another fun game - in the end, one spends her night in tears while the other looks back at the memories happily and moves on to the next pretty girl.

I could strangle you. I've already lost the no-feelings game. I fell for it. I put my life into the hole I dug myself with your shovel. Now I need to pull myself out.

Boy, you've left me speechless

It's now the end of the week since I made that vow

and I hate admitting I haven't totally completed what I set out to do by the end of this period of seven days - get over this mess.

I'm on my way, though. I hate you. The mention of your name enrages me. I could rant to anyone about how much of an asshole you are. I hate you.

Yet it's that immense anger and hate that reminds me that I've yet to lose my feelings entirely.

"I think I'm going to miss him while I'm away."

"Well, I won't be missing anyone that way, and nobody will miss me."

-

Got a 16GB iPhone 3G off eBay, but I doubt it'll come in time for my class trip to Taiwan. Imagine sitting in a plane for hours without music. I think I'm going to die.

-

"Hey! Actually I got you flowers too but didn't get the chance to pass them to you..."

"Haha why! But I wasn't even performing!"

"Haha thought it might cheer you up from your job"

AWW

Post-internship-at-the-library

Thanks Joash for accompanying me!

This is JC.

And the aim of the vicious JC game, it seems, is to get close in a slightly suggestive way to as many people of the opposite gender as possible - the slightly less pleasant word would be to flirt. Unwritten rule of the unwritten game - never get your feelings in too deep. Because then you'll be at the losing end while life goes on for everyone else.

I was talking to Reu one day, and I came up with this theory that the boys in the school are divided into three groups: the first group is infatuated with a certain very pretty and academically gifted girl in the school, the second group is infatuated with another very pretty girl in the school, and the third group doesn't like anyone - mostly because they're flirting with as many girls as they can, keeping their options very much open until they leave college life; an admirable few don't like anyone because they'd rather focus on their studies.

Oh and then there's the tiny minority that likes other girls.

Without love, life's a party that won't invite us

When two are in love, the days stream by in the skies, colourful ribbons marking the days of excitement, of life. Time flies - you're flying. It's so easy, so smooth. You don't keep track of the dates by their numbers - the memories of the time spent together are the date markers.

Nonreciprocal love - that's like a decade of starvation with little frequent breaks of ecstasy in between. The hours of staring into your phone, the times you two are in a room together and you wish he'd come over and say something - there are the times of pain and heartbreak. But there are also the times where a simple text or a tiny compliment would set your heart soaring. It keeps you happy and dreamy for a while - before you realise he still has his heart set on someone else anyway. Time is like a long, red line marked with pain, with huge dots of bright light and glitter marking the little events that made you swoon - the events that helps you make it through the weeks.

Like sneaking into a random school together at 9pm, or holding hands, or a special look he gives you - just you - across the lecture hall.

When you don't like anyone at all, your heart's supposed to feel freer, isn't it? Yet there's this gaping hole in my soul and it feels like it's sucking everything in. The hole's like a dead weight, if that makes sense. In the usual happiness and laughter of the day, there are the sudden jolts of realisation that there's nobody I'm living for. And nobody's thinking of me in that way, either.

Once, I could go to bed feeling ugly but I would tell myself it was alright; in the eyes of a certain someone, I meant the whole world. But then we parted and after months of tears, I realised I wasn't special to anybody anymore.

Now, as a deep-thinking INFP who yearns for something more to live for, there are times I wonder how I've managed to make it through more than a year without... even a kiss, without the reassurance of someone who loved me. There are times I imagine love going on in my head - but my partner is a stranger I don't recognise. I don't know him.

Maybe one day I'll meet him and realise he's the one who's been in my dreams.

Make a little love in the moonlight

"I know you hate all boys, but I'll bet there's one special boy. One that you hate more than all the others combined - right?"

"Maybe."

"Do you think about him sometimes? I mean, how much you hate him? You think about how you'd like to torture him? Like, dumping a whole wheelbarrowful of stinging ants on him?"

"Maybe."

"I hated somebody like that once. We were in seventh grade. I hated her more than anybody in the world. Yeah. Know what I did to her?"

"What?"

"I married her."

I hate you, and I don't understand why anyone else would stick up for you. Why people would say you aren't that bad after everything I've heard. You're despicable, but I guess it's something you can't help - boys will be boys, right? You're awful, disgusting, and I wish I could do something to spite you. I wish I were a super hot girl, just so I could spite you. I want you to yearn for something you can't get - I want you to know how it feels like not to get what you want. You and your bloody charm - a mask of innocence concealing the mind of an asshole. How things just seem to fall into place for you. How half the girls in the room that night had admitted to recognising your attractiveness and charm. What the heck, you don't even look good. Seriously.

Then again, it's a blessing to be average-looking (or worse) and not be one of those gorgeous, popular girls in school - sure, I'm sure all the guys would admit to having liked any one of them at one point in their college life here, but how much of any guy's love for these girls is real? When you're not pretty and not outstanding, and someone truly likes you for who you are inside, that's more precious than a thousand boys proclaiming their love for a pretty girl.

A select few are lucky enough to be the apple of the eyes of the whole school, and everyone else just fades into the distance. I'm one of those standing in the shadows, staring up at the light of the popular kids and wondering when I'll find the love they seem to get with the snap of a finger.

But there's the difference between a passing phase for a pretty face, and the love for someone for who she truly is.

Oh but what the heck. This is JC.

Books give me life

I considered what it would be like to be noticed for only one trait - like being left-handed, or brunette, or double-jointed - instead of for the whole of you. Here was Sarah talking about finding someone who loved you for who you were, not what you appeared to be - and your own mother couldn't even seem to manage it. "It's like tug-of-war," I said quietly, "and I'm the rope."

Underneath the table, I felt Adam squeeze my hand. He threaded our fingers together, his knuckles knocking against mine... we continued to hold hands under the table. I felt like as if I had a star in my throat, as if all I had to do was open my mouth for light to pour out of me. "What if someone else sees us?"

He turned his head; I felt his breath on the curve of my ear. "Then they'll think I'm the luckiest guy in this room."

With those words, my body became electric, with all the power generating from the place our palms touched. I didn't hear another word Sarah said for the next thirty minutes. I couldn't think of anything but how different Adam's skin was from mine and how close he was and how he wasn't letting go.

- Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult

Even Harry Potter can't cheer me up like Sumay does

Nobody understands me like you, dear, fantastically crazy childhood friend who has known me since I was, what, one year old. We've been through too much together. You know how Ron and Hermione have moments they totally can't stand each other, and moments they go crazy together, but through it all they know they understand each other completely and they can't do without each other (and Harry)? How even when one leaves for a while, or one storms away in anger, both of them know this won't last too long because their friendship is so much deeper than that.

That's like you and me. These past...sixteen years... we've been through a horrible lot of shiz. There were huge rows, a lot of tears, and through all of that, there was the desperation to salvage our friendship because even in our tears and anger we knew we couldn't do without each other. The hurt didn't kill us, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Then there were the times either you or me felt like the world was coming to an end and all either one of us could do was to call the other and cry and cry and cry. Yes, there were our other friends, and we mightn't be able to meet up that much, but we knew that our friendship and understanding of each other transcended our distance. We knew we'd be there for each other. There would be no doubt.

What would I do without you, Sumay. The one who pulls me back down to earth when I need it, the one who provides the delusional, idealistic me with a practical point of view, the one who's there when I need to cry, the one who's there when I need to laugh like a maniac.

The one I'm there for when she needs to cry.

ACS boys

You know, I really wish I could be some super hot girl, just to spite you. You'd come running, running, but you'll never get me.

Oh I wish. K time to get skinny.

If you were one of the leaders, I'd put you and her in the same group, you know, just so you'd know what it feels like. Then again, you have the heart and memory of a goldfish; two weeks later you'll say "ah, suck it" and move on to the next pretty girl.

I have a picture we took together - the picture - on one of the tabs on my browser. My browser reopens all its last closed windows every time I use it so it's always there. Once, whenever I accidentally clicked on that tab and your picture filled the screen, I'd feel a little pang in my heart. Now it's like he's a different person. He was a funny boy... and you're just another stranger.

You are not worth an hour of my emotions, a second of my tears. But I've given too much to you. It's all in a big box at your doorstep - the time I spent ranting to people just days before the exams, the swirl of emotions wrenching my heart, the tears, the prayers, wondering how I'd ever get out of this mess. But you don't notice. Not noticing is one thing - when I've told you, you say things to make me happy - I wonder how much you've laughed at me for my idiocy.

Lead me on, like a desperate lovesick dog.

I am worth more, so much more. In my search for gold, I opted for the base metal. Well bye. I resolve to get over all this by the end of the week.

Six months of blog posts about you and I'm done with this crap.

Sometimes random people say the nicest things.

Waterworks on

thank god you're not around to read my blog, I'll say this now:

friggin' damn it,

he sucks.

he sucks ttm

PR outing, CCAAB and November Adventure when I'm in the mood.

damn la

I'd rather have you not lie to me.

Okay technically you didn't lie to me, but you know it.

I'm not even going to say you're an asshole

'cos I thought I had already made up my mind that you were one back in July. I just changed my mind along the way.

K BYE

Wait, I thought my heart was getting better

Because, you know, if we don't talk about it and if we pretend it doesn't exist, it just might disappear.

Well I know this boy. He's a funny boy. Maybe the lines were blurring a little once upon a time, it was a funny sweet time. But now...things change.

Hahaha he's a funny boy. And I'm a funny girl. And then maybe we could have fallen in mutual weirdness and

called it love.

I think I just needed to hear something, anything

but I'll believe anything you say

Thanks for allowing me to finally cease the hurt and confusion. I have a definite answer now.

-

Off for CCAAB camp! Our PR outing at Botanic Gardens was pretty awesome. Will blog about it when I get back or something, together with CCAAB camp, which I'm expecting to be really fun... and pimple-causing.

Everyone knows I should give up

I just... I don't know why I'm so bent on needing to hear you say it. To hear you say you don't like me. And I need to know why things changed all of a sudden. It was just too abrupt, too extreme to me, and seemingly without reason. I can't let go until then.

Once upon a time I was certain you didn't feel anything for me anymore, and tried my best to give up, and succeeded for a short while. But I was wrong.

Of course, it's plain obvious how different things are now as compared to before - I just really, really want to know why.

Letting go of this - and sticking to the decision to let go - is a big and tough choice to make, after five months of heart-soaring and heart-crashing, that will involve a lot more pain and hurt. And then the cycle begins all over again - how my heart's willing to leech on to anyone, people I know I would never like if I were sane.

The one thing that's good about having my heart taken by someone - whether it's reciprocated or not - is that I can truly treat my other guy friends like friends. I could hug any other guy and not feel a thing, whether disgust or blind attraction, because my heart's taken. When it's free, my mind becomes crazy, my feelings become crazy, it's disgusting.

The problem with books

is that I can't stop reading until I've finished it.

I would relate the following feeling to waking up to my phone's alarm, only to get out of my double-decker to press the Snooze button, and then escaping the muddled rush of the morning to return to the inviting, unchanging warmth of my bed. Here it goes:

I was reading Jia: A Novel of North Korea, and doing what books do, I felt like I was being transported to another world - one of fear and danger and of fighting to live for the sake of it. My mind was going crazy taking it all in and producing a vivid movie in my head.

After I had finished about more than half the book, I decided it was time to put it down and do what I had to do - stuff for the Exco and upcoming Council webpage. But my mind was still in a whirl from the book. I felt kind of lightheaded; my brain just wasn't working. I couldn't focus.

I opened my email and looked at the list of new messages - it was longer than it had been in a very long time (I check my Gmail super frequently since I'm online so much). I read some email about the Home Team Associates Programme that was for selected students who had fulfilled some certain requirements - oh gosh, I do want to tour the prison cells and all that, but I've got the ELL internship on that week!

(On a side note, this email startled me for a while because I had just been reading that North Korean book which was talking about prison cells and guards and policemen, and here I was, being invited to check out what they do at the Police Force, Prison Service etc. HAHA)

Anyway, then there were the list of other emails I had to attend to, not short at all and demanding a considerable bit of attention and work. Of course, I love Council and doing Council stuff really is a passion for me, but this time I felt like my mind just couldn't adjust. There were stuff I had to edit and rewrite and other documents I had to look through very thoroughly, and I just couldn't concentrate. My mind was a spinning whirl.

Then I decided I might as well appease my mind if I wasn't going to be able to focus and do my tasks well anytime soon. I closed my laptop lid, jumped back on the couch and went back to Jia.

Weirdly enough, I felt like I had returned to the world I belonged to. The long emails were a multitude of words mixed into a blur, but I was very clear about everything that was going on in the other world - the world of Jia. And my mind was nowhere but there, in North Korea and in China, where Jia had escaped to.

But seriously, an ending that leaves the reader hanging?! That's as good as not finishing the book! I can't rest without a closure. Perhaps it's because it's a real story. This book was published in 2007 - wonder how things are going now.

This is the first book of the year I've read, excluding the Lit texts and Kane and Abel, which I had already read in Sec 2.

Gosh I can't afford to get addicted to books again!

I've reblogged this thrice, but I love it

And the rattlesnake said,
"I wish I had hands so
I could hug you like a man."
And then the cactus said,
"Don't you understand,
My skin is covered with sharp spikes
That'll stab you like a thousand knives.
A hug would be nice,
But hug my flower with your eyes.

Harry Potter says

"Make it a powerful memory; the happiest you can remember. Allow it to fill you up."

Thanks to you, I can't think of any memory happier than the times we had fun together.

What the heck. This is too much. This needs to stop. Will you let me be honest with you? I'll tell you everything, I really will, if only you would give me the chance to. Will you tell me too? How long more will it take? Another six months? A year?

Reply me will you, so that I can tell you. Are you afraid of what you'll find out? Don't be afraid to talk about feelings - and let me talk about mine. I'm dying to let you know. I need to get over this mess.

If not for your reluctance to express your feelings, or allow feelings to be expressed,

you'd be perfect.

Running, running, running like a despo dog.

Your old texts

I AM SO

SICK

OF PLAYING THIS STUPID HIDE-AND-SEEK GAME THIS IS MADNESS THIS IS TORTURE WHY DON'T YOU SEE YOU'VE BEEN CAUSING ME SUCH

TORMENT

AND PAIN

EVERY

SINGLE

DAY

now please just tell me straight in my face that you don't feel a thing anymore, and that I'm really stupid.

And tell me why things changed all of a sudden... I'd really like to know.

The work of the Holy Spirit

I was trembling even at the aisle, while waiting for my turn to go forward. I prayed in the Spirit, I prayed really hard, really fast, all about the same thing. I knew that this time, I wanted it to happen.

The first time I had witnessed slaying close-up was during a prayer meeting at the Riverwalk. It traumatised me and I remember crying and wanting to be anywhere but there at that time. Jason prayed for me, Xiaoxuan hugged me, but I just cried. It was all just too much to bear for someone who was very new to the concept of charismatic worship. I hadn't been to church since I was eleven, and that was Sunday School in St. Andrew's Cathedral. Before City Harvest, I didn't even know Tongues really existed in the modern world; I didn't know slaying was actually possible. When it was my turn to be laid hands on, I grew so frightened I prayed that he would go away. I closed myself off from God completely; I just wanted to leave.

I've blogged about the time I responded to the altar call during an Asia Conference service. I felt myself swaying, my hands trembling, weightlessness in my lifted arms. And then I let fear control me - I prayed for it to stop. I was so angry at myself for that. God was letting me experience Him and I let my fear push Him away.

So this time, I told myself I wouldn't be afraid. I would commit myself wholly to Him, I wouldn't let fear close me off from Him, I would put my life in His arms and know He will protect me.

I wasn't going to let my fear stand in the way.

We shuffled down the aisles. I wasn't with Huiting, Shirley and Julia anymore; thank goodness Willie was still beside me. Willie, don't leave me, please stay by my side, I don't want to be alone. As brave as I was trying to be, I needed a friend around. Don't leave my side.

Then we got to the front and things became hectic. The helpers were pushing us back, keeping us away from those who were already on the floor. Then they slowly got up and moved away, and then one of the helpers told me to fill an empty spot in front of me. I looked back. I didn't want to be separated from Willie. I didn't want to be alone.

Thank goodness there was Huiting beside me. Thank you, God, for blessing me with the comfort of my friends every step of the way.

The time had come. I just prayed and prayed, occasionally glancing a look at the screen to see people falling to the floor. I prayed for Him to help me here, for myself not to hold back. I wanted to experience Him in a new way today.

I saw a pair of shoes coming, and I closed my eyes and prayed.

I don't remember feeling his hand on my head, I don't remember losing balance. All I remember is that I was still praying in Tongues when I was almost on the floor, with a pair of hands supporting me from behind. Then I got up and went back to my aisle. While the rest of the people were getting laid hands on, we prayed in our seats. Well this was a start. God never fails, He never holds us back from him - it's us, it's us who shy away and subconsciously refuse His gift and presence.

Don't hold back. Don't worry. It'll be okay.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix

Harry Potter (to Hermione and Ron):

"I've been thinking about what Dumbledore said.

We've got one thing Voldermort doesn't have... something worth fighting for."

My brother: "A nose?"

Oh, at the slightest spark

a picture, a song, a girl I know you once had feelings for, oh the very mention of your darn name, a memory -

makes me go AAAAAAAAARGHHHHH

"You're lonely, but you're not alone."

Was planning to go out shopping at some F21 outlet today, but I spent the entire day watching Glee. Favourite character at the moment: Brittany! HAHAHA

"What's a duet?"

"A blanket."

-

Don't forget that when I'm down and you're boasting, or complaining, I take it all in. Don't forget that when you're angry and venting it out on me, I take it all in.

There was a reason I came online and didn't rant to you - I knew you wouldn't like to hear it.

It's good that we're still trying to tolerate each other as friends.

-

You aren't mine and I no longer have any influence on your feelings, but I'm still yours, wholeheartedly, unreservedly. I'd say things like you don't deserve me after all the hurt you've caused me - but if you could give me a day of happiness, I'd pounce on the opportunity even if it means months of hurt afterward.

And I hate knowing that. I'm too weak. I don't know why you still matter so much to me, especially after all the times you've made me lose my focus, the times you've made tears spring to my eyes without even doing anything, the countless times you've made my heart bleed. You're the reason I do a lot of things - bet nobody ever knew. Excuses to text you, to be around you. Oh all the little excuses.

Why? Things just suck like that.

Remember the stage in June? I remember you smiling at me and your hand reaching out to my face. I remember you pinching my cheek later on, and me squeezing your hand - I didn't know why I did that. I remember my heart fluttering oh I remember feeling like it was a dream. A dream, a dream, I've said that countless times. You let me live a dream.

Now that was in the past and I don't know why things have changed. It's been quite a couple of months since things changed, why? I guess until I find out someday, I'll have to try to accept it and suck it in and try to make it alone, or keep a straight face, with random rantings on my blog and to Reu along the way.

Even 'family' doesn't describe it well enough

Having a PR outing right after the release of results mightn't have been the best of options, but six people out of ten turned up anyway and had a lot of lame fun. We decided we were all too cowardly to go to Scape's Museum of Horrors like we had planned to, so we watched a comedy instead - A Wonderful Afterlife.

(35, MAGIC NUMBER!!!!)

Had a fun time playing Uno with High School Musical cards with the Exco. I was the Ultimate Loser. Tomorrow's going to be eggciting - running with the awesome seven others!

We never do anything extraordinary when we're together, really - it's usually just dinner or something - but it's about the crazy fun we have just joking around; how the fun is in being in each other's company, and knowing we'd rather be here with one another than anywhere else.

Knowing we'll be fully committed to coming for any gathering or meeting (whether for fun stuff or not), because the time we spend together is always special. How we'd much rather be doing not-so-interesting-work-related-stuff together than having fun somewhere else.

It's a really special bond. I'm sure everyone's experienced it, really. I'm just not one who's had closely-knit cliques (or cliques at all), and it's just great to know that everyone is just as committed to and passionate for the group as you are.

More often than not, I love a group of people and am more committed to it than the others, or they feel for each other more than they do for me, and it just results in a lot of disappointment. To know your love and effort is reciprocated is beautiful.

I wonder how emo my life would've been if I hadn't joined Council. And the Exco. What even pushed me to sign up, after my seniors told me it was complete saikang?

I think it was my desire to make the best of my last two years in a school. University will be really different from the past twelve schooling years, and I'm glad I'm not in a Poly - I haven't had enough of this schooling life. School spirit and even the uniform and all.

I think I wanted to push myself to do what I never did previously, to realise my true potential and to leave with no regrets. Thanks to Guin and Crescent Dance, I realised that perhaps I could lead, or contribute in a bigger purpose than I had thought. So I became the OG and Class reps and then I guess I decided to try out for something a little greater, to contribute to a larger purpose. To make a difference and feel that I could help in a bigger way, that I was worth more.

No regrets.

I love my Tumblr

(thoselovesongs.tumblr.com)

With all the care they've showered you with all along,

you realise any one of them deserves your love more than the one you're trying to cling on to, the one who also happens not to care.

Craze: To cause to become mentally deranged or obsessed; make insane.

A friend just gave me the link to Heart Vacancy by The Wanted and told me to take a look at the lyrics.

When you've got friends like these, you look back and realise how horrible you've been to them.

For months, all my heart's been about one guy. It was to him a passing phase; to me a craze. I know I shouldn't give my heart freely to someone who doesn't see me the way I see him, but it's something one can't help doing.

Imagine an owner who loved a puppy, but decided later on when the dog had grown up that it wasn't so cute and lovable after all. The dog wouldn't understand the owner's sudden disinterest; it'd run after the owner, it wouldn't give up. He's all the dog has.

I can't stand how I'm letting someone - who doesn't feel for me at all - make my heart soar and fall so much without even realising. I'm getting better at managing my feelings, thankfully, but it's happened too many times in the past.

And there are all these people around me who don't run away when I need a listening ear, who are there to hear me rant and shout and emo. And to remind me that I'm worth more.

Thank you Reu, WL, Amelia, Binkai, Pau, Justin and more, for being there to listen and offer words of comfort (or little jokes to make me laugh), and helping me remember that I'm more loved and less lonely than I think. For helping me remember how stupid I am to allow myself to be controlled by someone who doesn't notice, because I'm worth more.

Guys need more hugs.

I came up with that theory last year, when I was very close to a certain guy and we told each other a lot of things.

Guys, they don't hug other guys much, especially in the way girls hug each other, because with guys it seems kinda gay. And guys don't give other guys long hugs; they're the kinds that count and really make you feel loved (as a friend).

Hugs are a physical reassurance. Everyone needs hugs. Yes, there are the Words Of Affirmation that count too, but the physical touch can help a lot emotionally.

So yes, and when a girl hugs a guy it might seem a little inappropriate, but it's totally fine if both of you (and the people around you) know that you only really see each other as friends and never anything more! Right?

So yes we girls should give the guys more hugs, since they won't be getting much of them from their brudders.

KLOLBYE

NO MORE WRITTEN REPORT

(Theophilus-inspired: "And I want to thank God for my friends.")

Having to work with peers for A Level Project Work has resulted in a lot of strained friendships in a number of PW groups. I've witnessed a lot of bitching about groupmates, a lot of tension and annoyance at one another.

And because of that, I'm even more grateful for how my PW group turned out to be.

I remember shouting in disbelief and feeling hot agitated tears springing to my eyes when Mdm Ng announced that Chen and I were going to be in the same group. That was shortly after Chen had said that he was hoping he'd be in the same group as Karen the Saikang Warrior, because I'd be doing all the work (thank goodness that didn't turn out to be the case). I was a tad jealous at the group that had Amelia and Geraldine and other fun friends in it.

And now, although our work might not turn out to be as immaculate as some other groups', and although our group might not seem as dedicated to PW as the others, and although we're really last-minute, I can confidently say that I'm really, really happy with my PW group.

Chen and Nazi can be hilarious when they're with each other, and Nazi and Sarah are so hilarious together too. With all the jokes about Nazi's hair and perpetual drunk state, and Chen's horribly mean jokes ("I don't wanna eat bugs!") and Sarah's F-bombs. Sarah's and my exasperation when Chen and Nazi were on Facebook throughout the PW lessons, but we sorta get stuff done somehow anyway. Okay we are a very last-minute-rush-stuff-out group, but it was a good journey. We all went into panic-mode recently, and I haven't gotten more than 3 hours' sleep on a weekday in two weeks.

(OP-whacking at Chen's place, but we hardly got stuff done.)

So today was the Written Report submission day - we've named it Kanchiong Day.

We were still panicking and editing stuff in the morning, and we were only finished with the WR at around 2.15pm (thanks to OP prelims), around three hours before the submission deadline. Panicked and cabbed to Buona Vista MRT station to get the stuff printed and binded at Zap Zap Copy (for the record, the cab fare was $2.80) but the computers there were lagging or something, so we cabbed to Queensway.

Printing the colour copy cost us more than $60 while the monochrome copy cost us $4 to print.

I think we were all mentally malfunctioning; it was such a stressful time, yet we were laughing all over the place. Cabbed back to school and emerged from the taxi laughing ourselves silly because we were abusing Sarah's obligation to pay for the fare.

Then we realised we had binded the Group Project File's cover page to the WR instead of the WR cover page.

There was so much running around and frazzledness it was just so funny. Kanchiong Day.

SEE OUR PRIDE AND JOY, THE WR ON THE TABLE

It's just been an interesting journey. Some groups, I guess, consisted of people too hungry for that A grade, so they did whatever it took to produce the best work ever for PW, but friendships got strained in the process. I think in our group's case, we have been brought closer together. It's cool, and although PW is still a sleep-stealer and ultimate sucker, I'm glad for what it did for us.

The Lion King, and other age-transcending classics

I miss my childhood shows. Whatever happened to Hi-5 and Sesame Street? Once they were awesome. Now they're disappointing.

One day I'll rewatch all the childhood classics... except that my dad just sold his Lion King DVD ):

-

Number of hours of sleep per weekday since last Monday:

3, 2.5, 2.5, 1.5, 3, 2.5. I'm a sleep-deprived maniac. All for PW and Chinese A's. After Chinese is over, there'll be a Council GM (yay!) and then it'll be OP-chionging time, then CCAAB camp the day after our OP, then one day to finalise November camp stuff (because it's Hari Raya) before it's November camp, and then I've got my ELL internship, then a two- or three-day break before the class trip to Taiwan.

After the Taiwan trip I've got two days before Senior's Night where the Councillors will be helping out, then one blissful free week and then it's Christmas week and.....

NO WAIT I HAVEN'T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT COLLEGE PLANNER + ORIENTATION.

We're going to be spending a lot of time and effort on the College Planner. Orientation's going to be really hectic too, but I'm going to love being a part of it.

I think I'm going to die.

-

Random note: It's 27 October 2010. Remember the spark I shared with a certain someone three years ago, someone who changed my life, whose life I changed. A year and nine months of sweetness and pain, and then a long time more of more pain. And I tore myself apart before beginning to piece it together again. And now I've moved on.

-

And then when I left I wondered how I managed to tolerate being in the room with you, so near, yet so far away.

It's a tough time for all of us

-
pray. pray. pray. hope for the best. pray. pray. pray.

We can't lose you guys. We just can't. I can't imagine how we'd function without everyone in this together. Without any single one, there'll be this deep void we'll never be able to fill.

-

"Will I cry if I watch it?"

"I don't know -"

"How can you stand watching sweet things like this?"

"- I know I will."

-

Okay um I mean straight hair looks better, but curly hair is fine.

Something I need to clarify

I know I still sound like I'm crazy over you, but... I'm not that much so anymore, really. My heart's healing after all the hurt you've unknowingly caused me. I'm getting better at managing my emotions, much better. Acceptance brings closure; I guess it's because I've begun to accept that things are very different from what they used to be, and I also know that nothing ought to happen between us - firstly, I'll die when things go wrong; secondly, I don't know if I can bring myself to trust you with all my heart after you've broken it so many times without even knowing; thirdly, I'm the kind of person who craves affection and needs to constantly know she's loved, and you aren't the kind to express your feelings like that.

I think I like to play with the beauty of words a little too much. Truth is, you still do hold a special place in my heart, and I know I still do feel quite a bit for you, but my emotions are much more stable now. I'm much more clear-headed.

I finally know what it feels like to like somebody without having the thoughts of that person flood your mind every second like a gigantic tide, sweeping away everything in its midst. This stability has come a little too late, though - I remember calling my pals to rant during the Promos period because you, the overwhelming pain in my heart, was all I could focus on. I couldn't study without the intense thoughts about you flooding my entire being. That was emotional instability.

So I hope you don't screw my life again, although if you do, I probably will very happily let you, forgetting everything I've just said here.

If you'd like to love me please

I love Tumblr.

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Justin said (12:27 AM):

things change
gotta accept it and move on with life

life sucks, nothing goes according to plan

Things change, they don't go according to how we'd like them to. Life isn't about what we want; that only happens in fairytales, or if you're lucky. It's about what we get, and how we decide to react to it mentally.

I need higher levels of... serotonin. That's the neuro-chemical that makes you 'obsess' over and 'miss' the person you 'like' when you have low levels of it. My emotions have become much, much more stable, thank goodness. Acceptance, true acceptance, brings closure.

Things just sound horribly unromantic when you explain it scientifically. I like that.

-

I think I'm going crazy

It could be the day before my exams and I could be doing some hardcore mugging and if you wanted to meet me for a little while, just to chat and to chill, I'd make my whole day available for you. I know so because I wanted to do it, I was waiting for the opportunity, but of course you wouldn't have asked anyway. I told you I was bored when I was actually studying -I'd do anything, I'd free my entire schedule if you wanted me to. I would. Even if our little rendezvous doesn't mean a thing to you, anything more than chilling with a friend. It would mean so, so much to me.

In Sec 3 I went out with my ex every day of the Mid-years. That's probably why I failed three of the papers. It's just....... just. I don't understand how one can disregard all emotions and put everything aside just to study. I just don't understand. Thoughts of you were filling my head throughout the exam period, it was bad and the stress added to it. And you never, never knew.

-

Listening to Bon Jovi's What Do You Got and looking through your photos on Facebook and I'm grinning and grinning and my heart is melting and there are three words repeating over and over again on my mind.

"I love you, gosh I love you"

"Get over him, he's ugly"

- Binkai.

Here I am on a supposedly cheery Sunday morning, watching MVs of Chinese songs on Youtube (like the one I really like from Hebe, 寂寞寂寞就好, and 守护者, and 你不知道的事 by Leehom), getting all emotional and fighting back tears. They're beautiful, and the video of the Hebe song is beautifully painful.

Remember our airport madness? I felt so free, so comfortable around you. Remember the free bak kwa you helped me get when we went to the food fair to get a free lunch? Remember distance fares? "Couch potato is two words!"? Remember sitting together so many times in the theatre? I remember you asking me to go watch Change with you and then to get you at the dressing room when I was ready, and I remember being so pleasantly taken aback. Remember dinner on the last day when we walked out together to the void deck? "Karen you don't have to be sorry for feeling like you have to puke." How about Swensen's? I wish I could capture that extremely concerned expression you gave me when I wasn't feeling well, but now I know you do it to everyone anyway, but I don't care.

Remember allocs? I remember wanting to be the one bringing you to your spot, I remember gripping your arm very tightly without realising. I remember putting your hand into another girl's when both your eyes were closed. Remember the day we were both at level 3 of the library and we didn't know because your phone had run out of battery? Remember ACSI? Because I remember every second. Remember AGM? I do, I do.

你真的不用来我回忆里微笑.

I'm okay. I'm okay with it. I can accept that it was all in the past. That was a dream, now... lock it away.

-

On a lighter note, I've gotten myself a Tumblr!

thoselovesongs.tumblr.com (:

Suddenly I need you now

The past few days were great. Since the exams I've been busy - going out with PRians and the Exco, and with AC games. I love the Exco and the fantastic times we have together, just laughing and laughing and having an awesome time, with Weiliang's gayness and Gerou's lameness and Alex pretending to be angry. Of course I love the PRians too, but I already blogged about that.

AC Games was hectic but quite a success overall I'd say. I was just thinking, on Friday there was nothing in school apart from AC Games which was managed entirely by the Councillors, so the entire school would be in chaos if the forty-three of us happened to skip school. (It'd never happen, duh, it'd just be very interesting to witness). There were screw-ups and injuries and it was mad hectic at the score tabulating area so there were some problems, but I'd still say we did have fun overall. I refereed for Dodgeball, the only ball game I guess I'm relatively good at, because I instinctively avoid balls (that's why I'm horrible at Captain's Ball). Refereeing was fun but tiring. After two full days in the sweltering heat, we've all got horrible tans and sunburns and disgusting T-shirt collar tanlines, ugh.

Anyway, the past few days were good. Busy. And I felt relatively alright around you ,which is good. And being caught up with other fun things takes my mind off the painful stuff. Life's been fast-moving and exciting these past few days but suddenly it's possible to just..plunge into blackness and strong emotions.

Fantasies and daydreams and the pain of them all

'People say that the bad memories cause the most pain. But actually, it's the good ones that drive you insane.'

Says John Lennon,

Imagine all the people living life in peace

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one

After Math I came home and slept for six and a half hours. Woke up at dinnertime, panicked and went to Starbucks to do some hardcore mugging for ELL; got a Caramel Frapp, followed by flavoured Earl Grey. Coffee doesn't work on me so I thought tea wouldn't either. I bought the tea at 11pm. Very bad choice.

Ended up getting less than 3 hours' sleep for a 3 hour paper. Whatever, I miraculously stayed very alert throughout. Thank you God.

Pau, Mingtow and I watched Devil; we went into the cinema late, it was dark and we were feeling a little frightened while going in. And then there was this sudden loud thud and we immediately shrieked and grabbed one another when the rest of the cinema was silent HAHA that must have been the most epic moment of the day.

Devil was okay. Looking back, it actually was quite a lame show. Then again, most of the time I was blocking my vision with my cardigan, so I wouldn't really know. Never have I said the f-word so many times in one and a half hours. I guess horror movies aren't really my thing.

It was kinda fun though. Watching the movie, I mean, not the swearing. It was a pretty lame show in the end and I'm not too afraid of gory stuff so I won't be having trouble sleeping tonight.

Alright, enough of one of those lame blog posts where you tell people how your day went.

It's just... today was a good day. I realised, when Binkai asked me how life was, that I hadn't replied with 'Good' and really meant it in a very long time.

Today was a good day. I really did have a good time with close friends who are genuine - there are very, very few people I really don't feel pressurised around at all, pressurised to hide certain feelings or hold conversations or keep up an image of who the other person perceives me to be.

And I had a small heart-to-heart talk with Mingtow - hthts are always refreshing - and I didn't feel like I was withholding any part of myself today.

No, actually, come to think of it, it's more like today was the first time in a very, very long while that I felt okay. Somehow, although you were still very much on my mind, I felt alright - no hurt or heartbreak or anger, which was strange. Today, I accepted that you don't feel anything for me anymore, and somehow I'm fine with it. And I'm actually totally alright with it being this way. This is the first time I'm saying it that I actually truly mean it. Usually, there'd still be that pang in my heart, that desire to delude myself - no, usually I'm in that delusion.

I don't want to get into anything that will cause me immense hurt later on, especially if it comes before the A's. So I'm grateful that you don't feel anything anymore; if you did, and things ran out of hand, I'd fall into that trap of sweetness, knowing that a torturous death awaits, but being too far deep in love to care.

It's been a very long time since I've felt almost nothing towards you. No surge of hope or happiness, no pang of hurt or anger. I didn't think it'd be possible.

Today your texts became friendlier again, and a little longer, a little more willing to chat, and I'm happy. They're still completely different from the texts you used to send me, and these are completely platonic and maybe even a little distant, but they're friendlier. And I'm hoping it'll stay like that.

Today, for the first time, I'm actually... okay with the current situation, with how you feel (or how you don't feel) about me and where we are as friends.

I wonder what tomorrow will be like.