Spending the last day of the year

looking through all my Facebook photos.

I realised my life has actually been pretty eventful. Scroll past the recent 1AH Taiwan trip and CCAAB and Exco camwhoring sessions and other Council pictures and I'm reminded of little events that made me happy - 6B's gatherings (and one 1J one!), Bailamos with AC Dance, National Day at Marina Barrage with the two awesome people I'll be seeing later, Fun-O-Rama and random school stuff like that awesome Lit lesson with Amelia and Elgyn and our non-math-kids' Antoinette graph, Investiture and Exco Retreat, last year's New Year celebration with my childhood friends at the beach, fun times with my maternal cousins, my Channel Newsasia trip to Hong Kong with Jollin, Grad Nite and the last day of secondary school, Crescent Dance, J4M times (Gosh we need to sing together again soon, I miss the acapella jam), Crescent Dance.

There were a lot of times in Crescent where I wished I belonged. I was pretty closed-up in Crescent, had very few close friends, made a lot, a lot of mistakes. Crescent was four years of stumbling and learning to pick myself up. Lower Secondary was an emotional roller-coaster - Sec 2 was an epic year.

2007. That year I had a best friend, and a group of friends I was very lively and outspoken around, and then I suddenly left her with no best friend to lean on - I called it a virus taking over my system, and I still do, because she was the kindest sweetest most amazing friend and I suddenly couldn't stand being near her anymore. I hated myself for that, even at that time, because she was such a fantastic friend and she never deserved any of it. And then through all that chaos, I found another girl who had been going through a sea of friendship problems, and we just stuck. Found comfort in each other. A very interesting friendship. She wrote lyrics; I composed tunes to them. 失恋的滋味 - does anyone still remember that song? I can still play it on the piano. I can still sing it.

But from then on, I started to become much less vocal about my feelings, although I've been one to write to express my emotions all along. I used to be very hyperactive, and then I closed up. Most of my Sec 3 and 4 life was lonely, just me and Cuixiao. Sometimes I preferred to eat alone in the canteen. Sometimes I preferred to stay in the classroom - an excuse not to have to be around people during recess.

Prom.

There were times in upper secondary that I wished I could fit in with certain people. They seemed to be a bit more accepting of me at times - common experiences, maybe - and I wanted to be friends with them. It had nothing to do with the thrill of 'hanging with the cool kids' or whatever - I mean, I never went out with them or anything - I just wanted to get to know them better, maybe, because I knew they understood what I was going through when nobody else did. When nobody else wanted to listen, or found it revolting. They knew, because they were going through it too. The last night of our Nacli camp, when we just sat and talked - it was a very open conversation, and I was thankful that at that moment, with those people, I was able to participate in a discussion like that - it would never happen with anyone else I knew. It helped me feel more human that I wasn't as alone as I had felt.

It helped so much.

Annie Lim, Mingxuan, Jenna - people I'm not close to, but who were there to talk to me and pick me up when it really, really counted. Just once, really, but it really counted.

But I was never meant to be close to people like that. Maybe the change in appearance from lower to upper secondary was huge - I looked like a freak in Sec 2 - but I was still the same person. And after I had left Crescent, after Prom, I realised that. I realised that I had to stay true to myself. There were people I wish I could be better friends with, but I'm just not their kind of friend, and they weren't mine either. And I shouldn't try to be someone I'm not.

Introducing me:

I'm not rich, for one.

I don't look good in a lot of clothes, don't drink don't club, don't know a hell lot of Western songs because I spent almost my whole secondary school life listening to Mandarin music (I went back to English only after my relationship ended in July last year and I couldn't take listening to anything that would bring memories back or evoke emotions), don't stay out late at night, don't like to swear, don't wear havaianas because they're not comfortable and non-comfortable slippers aren't meant to cost fifty bucks, don't have anything from Fred Perry or Kate Spade or Shu Uemura M.A.C. or Marc Jacobs. Yet.

That's who I am. I'm not a cool kid. My wardrobe is full of Forever 21 and Zara, and that's about it. I love F21 and Zara. I own one pair of shades - the plain black pair I bought in Taiwan. I got my iPhone off eBay. I live in a HDB flat. My mum learnt how to drive so that she could fetch Mark and I to school last year because of his PSLE and my O's. I love JJ Lin - okay I haven't bought his new album that came out early this month, but still - and I hate rap music. My favourite music genre is alternative rock. I hate bitching, I hate gossip. I trust people very easily, almost blindly. I'm a Starbucks addict. I think the Chinese language is immensely beautiful, very emotive, and I wish I could write well in Chinese, because English is pretty non-expressive.

I think singers should be people who can sing.

I think going out with friends more often is what's making me perpetually broke, whether it's for a movie with the Exco or dinner with a friend for some heart-to-heart talk time. But is it a bad thing?

I'm not that used to going out with friends, probably because I was always with my ex in Sec 3 and 4 - gosh, I wasn't used to having friends I can feel so comfortable and happy around, Karen the emo loner - but things are changing now, and I have friends I love being around. People who are willing to spend their time with me, who really spare a thought for me. It's something I'm not used to (I don't mean to sound like an emo loner, but it's true), but it's what I'm getting in AC, and I really treasure everything God has given me here.

Could this be out of line, could this be out of line

Does it make a monster of me, to want to love and live in my bubble of fairy tales and self-delusion, to want to run after the heart-warming sparks and moments of sweet escape while running away from confrontations that would lead to definite answers and complete commitment (or complete abandonment), because I'm afraid of the hurt or loneliness that might follow?

When everything is wrong - we move along.

You've been on my mind throughout this ten-day-long attempt to escape from the madness of Singapore, and I really don't know the real reason for it. Why?

I don't know how I feel, and I don't know how you feel now either- but perhaps it's better that it all remains unknown, because I know how things should not end up.

Do I?

我只知道回到新加坡之后，第一个想见的人就是你。
(Did I even say that right? Gosh I shouldn't try. Just couldn't find a better way to say it in English.)

Your hands are shaking cold-
These hands are meant to hold.
When all you gotta keep is strong
Move along, move along
Like I know you do

Fly along with me; I can't quite make it alone

This trip to KL has passed way too fast. I can't believe I'm returning tomorrow.

I love being here, even if I'm just doing work. I love being around these people I've been with all my life. Family. All of us cousins - including little Connie and Nicholas - were having dinner together in the dining room of the new half of the house (or the recently renamed Internet Cafe room) while the adults were all in the other half, and we were just eating and talking rubbish and laughing and it felt so comfortable. I loved that moment.

I could be here doing my work or feeling insanely bored and still rather not be anywhere else, because it really does feel like home here. If only we all lived in the same country - we could, like, grow up together and buy a humungous house (or buy the entire neighbourhood down) so that all thirteen of us could live together or something. Or at least the six or eight of us who are closer to each other.

I guess I describe how I feel with my maternal cousins like how I feel when I'm with the Council exco, and it does feel equally warm and awesome, but it feels very different too, in a way. but I guess with the Exco it's more 'fun', 'full of spirit and passion', and with the cousins it's more 'comfortable', more 'warm'. Both are families, but families in different ways.

Anywayyyy,

WE WENT TO SUNWAY LAGOON!

Haven't gone there in a really long time. I only went on two rides - Tomahawk, this awesome 360 degrees ride, and the viking ship that now goes 360 degrees too - after that, I felt too dizzy to go on that waterlog thing.

Connie and Nicholas are incredibly cute.

Connie's seven and a crab-eating pro.

I feel. I feel. I feel. inFp.

jollin says (10:42 PM):

And then I realised what I was hanging onto were the feelings, not the person. Fell in love with his words and with the feeling of being loved. So after I let go I realised how easy it is to let go.

I realised how much earlier I'd actually let go before I'd actually put the letting go into official terms.

And I don't consider it a real relationship. All there was to it was words - and we all know words are empty and without substance when they do not carry heart.

His did not, and I guess I knew but was blinded.

Sometimes, dear, I think we were twins in another life.

You know, I'm a very strong feeler. inFp. Very strong. During the MBTI test only one box I checked was for Thinking. When you have a heart-to-heart-talk with some people, you learn a lot about the events that happened, but what you imagine might be the case might be very different from the actual emotions. And with some people - Feelers - the actual events are told in general, but you know exactly how they felt. Their thoughts, their needs.

Just saying.

Okay I really didn't want to do a non-happy post on Christmas Day. Sorry.

So when the clock struck twelve, the cousins gathered around the christmas tree for the ritualistic present-opening time. (I've been thinking, we should pray when the clock strikes twelve, not open presents, yes?)

I got fantasmo stuff, really really happy with it. Quite a number of lipglosses, a daily devotions book - great, great, great gift to help increase my faith on Christmas Day - and a beautiful owl necklace from Diva that I had told Yvonne I had wanted really badly when we went shopping together. Awww. Awesome Christmas.

Except that I spent the whole of today rushing out work for that admin job I took out. I only left the computer to eat.

I finally know why

My blog contains thoughts of mine that are pretty very personal, and it's not always a good thing because it's up for the world to see. Yet I keep doing it. After a lot of thinking, I finally know why. I tried expressing this in speech today while at 1U with Ji Xian and Yvonne, but I was completely unsatisfied with how it came out. But see, I wasn't meant to speak. I write.

A thought in my mind that bothers me is like a dense cloud over my head that won't go away. Whenever I manage a smile, that nagging thought comes back and suddenly it feels forced. It's a deadweight I'm chained to; I'm prisoner to it.

And then when I can't take it anymore, I write it out. Usually it's on my blog. And then the negative memory or thought that's been haunting me becomes a tool. Then I press Publish Post and read it over on my blog and make a few edits until I'm satisfied with how it turns out.

And suddenly, the negative thoughts aren't mine anymore. It's like as if they were meant to serve another purpose - they're part of a story that's meant to be told. No longer a personal deadweight that's keeping me from a carefree smile - they've been set to soar with the beauty of words. Then somehow, the experiences don't haunt me in a personal way. It's a part of a story I've set flight to.

I'd relate this to Harry Potter's Quidditch ball. Remember the small golden thing? When it's in Harry's hands, it's trembling, its wings are buzzing incessantly, it's struggling, struggling. And then finally he releases his grip. And the little ball disappears into the sky. It's been set free.

That's kinda how it feels like.

That's what I meant when he said he didn't really agree with how I put up a lot of my very personal thoughts online for the world to see, and I said that somehow, I prize the beauty of words more than.... than the privacy of the things I write about that I'd actually rather keep private.

It's all a story waiting to be told. To touch a heart or two; to be a mirror to a stranger; to show some girl somewhere that she isn't alone.

When the world’s all as it should be.

I’m back in KL and the cousins, and it feels like I’ve returned home.

Ian's/Ivan's place in KL feels like home to me, perhaps because I've been here all my life. We've played hide-and-seek in the cupboards; played The Family Game with dolls and make-believe worksheets; played Twister and the Game of Life and Crazy Taxi. I love being back in KL, even if I don't do anything here. Just being here and being with the people I've known my entire life (or almost, anyway, since I'm one of the oldest among my maternal cousins) is enough to keep me happy.

Made a new AC friend, Ji En (or Ji Xian), when we realised via Fang Jiunn's status that the three of us were in KL. So we met up two days ago and ate and bowled and ate and ate and ate.

Met him again today with Yvonne because he was at 1 Utama, which is a less-than-ten-minutes' walk from Ian's place. Hooray for new friends! Right after Ji Xian had seen Yvonne and I off, he saw Nick Wong :O And it turns out Nick had seen WL earlier in China. Okay, what?! Interesting small world.

Played the legendary I Never with the cousins - because our parents didn't want us to kill ourselves with water overdose, we did pushups/crunches as a penalty.

Alright, this is one of those lame how-my-day-went posts, but.... yup. I love my cousins. I'm home.

-

I was telling JX about a theory I have about hearts that have been broken - how our hearts are like stone walls that have a hole blasted through them, and how finding cement to patch the hole up is an ideal but unrealistic goal to reach for just yet, so we find whatever we can to fill the hole up to stop it from crumbling for now - playing blocks, sponge, whatever. And he said, why don't you fill the hole with a door that you can open or close at will?

To be able to choose to open or close that door.... that's something I wish I could do. To have control over myself and my crazy, desperate emotions. To be able to seal that door when I don't want it open, that stupid gaping hole.

Might it have been fate?

Maybe I shouldn't have intervened - I haven't really been able to be at peace with my decision.

Well it's too late to turn back now. If anything doesn't turn out like it should, I only have myself to blame.

"Talking to boyfriend ah?" "No" "..Girlfriend?!"

Mum must have been suspecting because of the late-night calls I make (wonder how she'd react if I told her they really were guys nearly all the time) - she said in the car today that she was okay with me getting a boyfriend at my age.

I could laugh at the irony.

Of all the schooling years, I know this is the worst time of all to be emotionally vulnerable - I have a tendency to put studies on the bottom few rungs of the ladder of importance. As more and more things become of importance to me, my academics continuously get pushed down that ladder until it's... not even on the ladder anymore. I mean, I know my studies are crucial, next year of all years - I've been able to bluff my way through the academic years so far, but this is JC - it isn't going to happen anymore. Plus I dream of studying overseas, and I can't do it without external financial support. How can I think of getting a scholarship without aiming to do well in my studies first?

I don't know, I tend to only be able to study if: (a) I have nothing better to do i.e. I've played enough, or (b) it's the last couple of days before the exams and I'm freaking out.

Emotionally, I'm very, very weak. Being emotionally involved in anything causes me to daydream or lose focus all the time, especially at the worst times - when I've got a lot of stuff to do, like listen in class or do my pile of homework or key in data for my temp admin job (like now). I just can't focus on mundane stuff like schoolwork when other things are weighing on my mind. I know some people are able to push them away and fully concentrate on studying when they have to, but I've never been able to do that.

I know I've blogged about this before - sometime in June or July, I thought perhaps I was emotionally stronger now, that I could take the pain and discipline myself to focus on my studies at the same time. Then one tiny, tiny insignificant thing he did - or didn't do - sent my heart in a mess and head in a whirl. I couldn't focus on my classes the entire day; all I could focus on was the wretched pain inside. And then I knew how wrong I was to think I was any stronger than that heartbroken schoolgirl who broke down in the train station just a year ago, who had to call her friend and cry on the phone and be told 'You've got to be strong, you can't look back anymore'.

This is torment.

I love your philosophies and your reasons for doing things - unique and very, very cute. I love your music taste and how similar they are to mine (except for a bit of the Kpop part, because I'm not that into it). I love your honesty and big, big heart. I like your way of handling matters. I love your thoughtfulness, how you show genuine care - it's really sweet. I love how you never try to be someone you're not - again, it's obvious how big a part integrity plays in your life. Most of all, I love your courage. I love how you're willing to discuss your feelings openly, and aren't shy to tell me what you really feel. Guys who aren't afraid to show or express their true feelings are the most attractive, and I really appreciate that about you.

I hate how hearts break, and I hate the scars that refuse to go away, that never stop haunting us afterward.

I'm too afraid of my own heart.

Love tears the seams of our hearts apart

Burnt by your dreams; it's never how it seems
Cold, crushed esteem; take shelter and hide forever
Your soul will be okay

-

Again? I need to reach deep down to the corners of my brain - the depths of my heart - and crush them.

Told myself I was completely through with anything that had to do with you. The messages you sent that used to mean so much to me - when my heart was screaming with thoughts of you I'd read them again and everything would be okay - I'm getting a new phone.

Your charm enthralled me, but your personality's one to make you a person I can't trust. How do you love a person you can't trust without getting yourself hurt endlessly?

Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore - I'm over all of this.

Yet when Adam Lambert was screaming in my ears, I was reminded of that night we were on the bus to Dover together. I was trying to send a text on your phone and I accidentally texted the wrong person. When I was holding the iPhone, trying to send the message again, you showed me how to copy and paste on it - you put your hand over mine to press and hold your finger down on the screen until the Copy option appeared.

Not quite the holding of hands, but almost there. Like teaching someone how to play the piano or - or - teaching someone how to hold the bow of a violin properly, maybe.

Well, it's nothing more than a memory to me, except that I still look back with fondness - I feel my heart racing slightly as I relive it. Someday I'll look back at the memories of you - and the recent crazy incident with another boy - with no emotions, just thoughts, like how I look at the memories of my past relationship.

When that boy accompanied me on a train ride home after a movie recently, I looked up and caught him looking at me with a particular gaze - when I asked him what was wrong, he smiled and shook his head. Later on, I remembered where I had seen that gaze before.

Once, while accompanying me on a train ride home (haha how coincidental), my ex looked at me with that same gaze. I said "Don't look at me like that" - I felt uncomfortable whenever people looked at me; I had always seen myself as nothing more than ugly. But all I got in response was a shake of the head, and my ex continued looking at me like that. I couldn't hold the gaze for long - I looked down for a while, before our eyes met again, and I felt loved.

And for many, many nights afterward, whenever I went to bed or looked into the mirror and detested my appearance, I knew that no matter how ugly I really looked, there was someone I meant the whole world to - someone who felt I was beautiful no matter what.

And then in July '09, there was no one who felt that way anymore.

Just saying. It's a memory at which I look back without real emotions now.

I now know more about yogurt than I'd ever wanted.

I don't know what made me agree to take on an admin job with Geraldine that started the day we returned from Taiwan, but all that searching for and keying in of information is mental suicide. At least Wei Liang gave me a pleasant almost-surprise visit yesterday!

Hooray for great friends who brighten up your day with unplanned, unexpected visits.

AND the Council Exco met up at Plaza Sing to celebrate Justin's and Geraldine's birthday at Aston's, and made a last-minute decision to watch Narnia. YAY!

I think this was the only time I went out to have fun this holiday, excluding the Taiwan trip. The rest of my holiday was taken up by camps and the internship and this job I took up and the college planner.

MY LIFE IS PATHETIC. We're halfway through December, and then 2011 is going to be a crazy hectic year! NOOOO

Bringing Justin's 30-inch Pluto soft toy to work was a joke, but laughing at the way he held the dead-looking soft toy throughout our meetup was worth it.

Geraldine and I got pouches for the Exco - we initially wanted to get Mario and Luigi for Alex and Justin, but then we found Piyo the duck and decided Justin had to have it.

We convinced him that it's a chick magnet. He still refuses to use it though. He doesn't know what he's going to be missing out on if he doesn't use it. Then again, the 12-year-old British girls were apparently "all over" him when he went on the school trip to UK.

Wei Liang got us Disney stuff when he went on the school trip to the US! I love the notebook and pen. Best, most thoughtful present he could give to Karen the perpetually-writing emokid. Except that I already have a diary - it's pretty thin and I'm barely halfway through - and I recently bought another overpriced notebook from Artbox for my random writings. I'll probably use this as a diary after I'm done with my current one - the pages are too pretty to be used as a notebook that I won't refer to again when I'm done with it, so I won't use it for notes etc.

I NEED TO UNLOCK MY IPHONE

because it was from U.S. and I can't use it here.

Please give me suggestions on where to go! Where in Sim Lim? Trustable places? I don't want my $525 to go down the drain. I'll cry a river. SMS me please!

-

1AH + Taiwan = Double Awesomeness

Initially I was dubious about the amount of fun I'd have with the class, because I wasn't exactly really close to most of the people there. I have to say, though, that this was probably the best six days ever. I love my class, and I love our common jokes about each other, and I love how we can laugh and laugh and laugh.

We went to the top of Beijing Taipei 101 and camwhored and played Charades.

We saw a waterfall and got free Geog lessons, witnessed a change of guards ceremony, and um had xiao long bao.

We also camwhored at C.K.S. Shilin Residence Park - really pretty flowers everywhere! - and attempted to climb to the top of Yang Ming Shan in, like, 1.5 hours (or 2.5?). Only Jeremy and Mr. Dranginis made it.

TIRED OUT. We were pretty warmly dressed because we were warned that it'd be pretty cold high up, but it was so hot - we were sweating buckets. (Amelia: 'This is the sweatiest I've seen Jing Quan!')

We went to Yeliu and saw the rocks. PRETTY TTM.

And we went to the Flora Expo and saw.......grass. It was packed. And the weather was hot. Wasn't that exciting a way to end the trip, but we had so much fun nevertheless.

We attempted to recreate the Triwizard Tournament scene from Harry Potter because there was a garden maze.

And this is why my class is awesome.

More photos on Facebook - HERE and HERE!

I have the tendency to say things at the worst times.

I have the tendency to screw something up, and then while the destruction is slowly lessening, I'd unintentionally go back in and screw everything up again.

I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have. Once an unpleasant matter has been closed, I really ought not to go back in and destroy everything again.

Two screw-ups in a day. I think I'm socially inept. I must learn to control, to trust that things will work out by themselves.

And you, you're too nice, and I just get it all wrong.

How long will it take

to get that sweet boy out of my mind?

I hope it won't take us too long to forget this. Thank you for everything you've given me, and I'm sorry for all that I've caused you. I just can't put my life into a huge something that's based on... nothing. On assumptions. Bare assumptions. I assumed you only saw us as friends and nothing more too; you assumed I meant something else. We barely knew each other.

Not yet.

我说你比较像我的好朋友
只是不小心拥抱着

-

Seniors' Night was cool. I still haven't blogged about Taiwan - will get around to doing it when I'm relatively free. Dammit, we're halfway through the holidays and I haven't really had free time at all - I haven't even had a day out with friends yet. CCAAB Camp, Council Camp, ELL internship, Taiwan trip, and now I'm back and my new iPhone's here, and I've still got a crapload of stuff to do - mainly with regard to the college planner. I've yet to transfer my contacts over. And I was supposed to SMS all the Class Reps a long time ago. And I haven't signed up for the SATs because they refuse to accept my address.

Dammit.

I see it, I see it

and I freaking want to die.

I don't know how some people live with a conscience like that. It's revolting. I really want to take it all back. Remove the good times and the hurt that followed. It should never have happened. I don't know what else to do, or say.

Eff this shit lah. I hate this. Hurting someone is worse than being hurt.

Well I don't completely know how I feel either, but I'll try to analyze it accurately. I feel comfortable with you. I really, really like who you are as a person. You're very sweet and thoughtful. I do think of texting and meeting you, and back there I wanted to be around you too. But I think I see you as more of a brother. A really sweet brother, and someone I'd like to get to know better. I think I'm trying to push myself to like you, but some things just won't work if you push it. Someday I'd like to be able to hold your hand and hug you, but know that you don't treat me as any more than a sister or good friend. I'm uncomfortable with knowing that you have feelings for me in that way because I am the cause of your hurt, and I don't want to hurt you. Yeah.. to me you're a really sweet bro, but I don't want to think of us as more than that. But when you hold my hand and stuff, I feel cared for.

And then everything goes incredibly wrong

and then it just sucks when you realise how much of an ass you've been.

I'm sorry, I really am, and I really do love the person that you are, and I'm glad I've gotten to know this side of you these past few days, and I hope our friendship continues, and I hope the both of us will be able to get rid of that little growing ball of light in our minds.

"我们好像不应该这样做."

You're right, thank you for reminding us both, and I'm sorry.

"你笑的时候很可爱"

Will blog about Taiwan when I'm not up to my neck in work

"From what you've told me, I think he's actually a really nice guy. I don't think he hurt you intentionally."

"你也像我吗，都不太会表达感情。"