I'm going to attempt a highly unusual and possibly controversial metaphor, so let's ignore the connotations associated with either entity and try to look at them as objective ideas.
A passive Christian is like a passive smoker. You grew up in a family of smokers and never really lit the cigarette yourself, but was always surrounded by the fumes. You breathe in the smoke of others. You do not have the first-hand experience but you take in what the others do all the same, and you call yourself a smoker, too, although that's technically not fully true. Once you realise that you aren't a real smoker, that you've only been living on the stuff of others, glimpses of their own real smoking experiences, you have three choices. You can shrug and leave it as it is, continuing to be a passive smoker, perhaps still calling yourself "a smoker", or just acknowledging that you don't really know what it's like first-hand. You can decide that you want to remove yourself from the association with others' identity, remove yourself from your delusion and the house. Or you can decide to experience it for yourself, light your own cigarette, let your lungs fill with your own.
Dec 28, 2013
Dec 25, 2013
Something I just needed to hear
The Lord is with you while you are with Him. If you seek Him, He will be found by you; but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you.
2 Chronicles 15:2
2 Chronicles 15:2
the unworthy is given all the gold
We are so unworthy, but we've been given the privilege to stamp Jesus’s name on our little prayers, as if He Himself said them. Our prayers said in His name - with His identity. When we say grace half-heartedly, thankyouforthefoodinjesusnameamen, it is as if He is saying it. When we pray and say "Your will be done" and stamp Jesus's name behind it, it is as if He is in the garden of Gethsemane, praying before His death. Who are we to use His name like that? I'd hate it if people said stupid things and then said it was said in my name. Look at all the power He is giving us, so undeserving. We have both the ability to abuse it in half-hearted prayers, and the power to activate all of Heaven.
I would like to have you know
This Christmas, I have something I would like to say to those in the Christian Fellowship in Yale-NUS. Or to anyone in Yale-NUS, really, since this misconception seems to be stretched to a lot of people.
Some people seem to think, for some reason, that I'm a really diligent, devoted, dedicated Christian, and that Jesus is all my life is about. I guess it's the cross I wear, and my phone's background picture, and "Hannah", and the fact that I play a part in organising CF and speak in front sometimes - I guess that's what they expect of the person in front, because if not, what authority does he/she have to be talking to the rest?
I would have you know that I am not the pure holy devoted Christian that people keep making me out to be. I am no different from the average in the whole range of Christians in Yale-NUS. I know what it means to be devoted and to walk very closely with Him - when I was in SOT (and also in Sec 4) my life was all about Him, because it had to be. Bible school 9-1, with powerful worship and the enlightening Word; then tuition or whatever, and the mandatory reading of the Bible other required books; talking to SOT people, praying with SOT people, doing whatever church ministry I had assigned myself to, seeking His love, looking very much forward to the work He had for me in Yale-NUS. Jesus was in the centre, and He often gave me encounters with Him, little or large, tangible or in the heart. It has been quite some time since I have had an encounter with God - two months maybe?
No, I am just another lazy, forgetful Christian, who rarely does her quiet time (especially in school), who forgets to put Him first (and often finds herself unable or unwilling to), who is frequently ungracious in her speech, who thinks ugly thoughts, is a sinner in all these ways. I am not the person that some people absurdly make me out to be, or accuse me of being (it seems like that sometimes, although I'm not even deserving to carry His cross that way). I am just another regular Christian person who's not very good at keeping her love to Jesus, y'know? And then I look at people like Carissa who is so encouraging and gracious and loving in all she says, who keeps clinging to God in all the tough times; Charlotte who comes into my room to pray with me and continues to carry God's salvation to those around her; Denise who does so much for Christ; Yixuan whose prayers are so heartfelt and powerful and overflowing with Bible verses; Carmen who has such a persistent, profound love for Him; Pei Yun who understands who she is because of who God is; and I'm like, what on earth are people doing saying I'm all that they say I am? Who am I?
I don't want people to think I am someone I'm not, so I type this today. I am just the average Christian (I don't like saying it this way because it sounds like a job) - I am bad at keeping my side of the covenant to God; it is a personal relationship, and I am bad at keeping myself close to Him. The only reason I speak at CF is that I am willing to. A lot of people aren't willing to speak in front - why? Do they think they're not good enough? That they have to be absolutely holy and devoted before they have any authority to speak? Please. None of us have the authority. Only Jesus does, and all we need to do is work harder at being a better sieve for His spirit to flow through. I am unworthy, undeserving, and I know it. I know. And I hope you forgive me for not being the Christian you thought I was. I will try, I will try, but please do not put me on a pedestal because that way things are not completely honest. At Yale-NUS we all face similar struggles; let's all just share a little of ourselves with one another and try to help one another through it. (that's what CF is about.)
Some people seem to think, for some reason, that I'm a really diligent, devoted, dedicated Christian, and that Jesus is all my life is about. I guess it's the cross I wear, and my phone's background picture, and "Hannah", and the fact that I play a part in organising CF and speak in front sometimes - I guess that's what they expect of the person in front, because if not, what authority does he/she have to be talking to the rest?
I would have you know that I am not the pure holy devoted Christian that people keep making me out to be. I am no different from the average in the whole range of Christians in Yale-NUS. I know what it means to be devoted and to walk very closely with Him - when I was in SOT (and also in Sec 4) my life was all about Him, because it had to be. Bible school 9-1, with powerful worship and the enlightening Word; then tuition or whatever, and the mandatory reading of the Bible other required books; talking to SOT people, praying with SOT people, doing whatever church ministry I had assigned myself to, seeking His love, looking very much forward to the work He had for me in Yale-NUS. Jesus was in the centre, and He often gave me encounters with Him, little or large, tangible or in the heart. It has been quite some time since I have had an encounter with God - two months maybe?
No, I am just another lazy, forgetful Christian, who rarely does her quiet time (especially in school), who forgets to put Him first (and often finds herself unable or unwilling to), who is frequently ungracious in her speech, who thinks ugly thoughts, is a sinner in all these ways. I am not the person that some people absurdly make me out to be, or accuse me of being (it seems like that sometimes, although I'm not even deserving to carry His cross that way). I am just another regular Christian person who's not very good at keeping her love to Jesus, y'know? And then I look at people like Carissa who is so encouraging and gracious and loving in all she says, who keeps clinging to God in all the tough times; Charlotte who comes into my room to pray with me and continues to carry God's salvation to those around her; Denise who does so much for Christ; Yixuan whose prayers are so heartfelt and powerful and overflowing with Bible verses; Carmen who has such a persistent, profound love for Him; Pei Yun who understands who she is because of who God is; and I'm like, what on earth are people doing saying I'm all that they say I am? Who am I?
I don't want people to think I am someone I'm not, so I type this today. I am just the average Christian (I don't like saying it this way because it sounds like a job) - I am bad at keeping my side of the covenant to God; it is a personal relationship, and I am bad at keeping myself close to Him. The only reason I speak at CF is that I am willing to. A lot of people aren't willing to speak in front - why? Do they think they're not good enough? That they have to be absolutely holy and devoted before they have any authority to speak? Please. None of us have the authority. Only Jesus does, and all we need to do is work harder at being a better sieve for His spirit to flow through. I am unworthy, undeserving, and I know it. I know. And I hope you forgive me for not being the Christian you thought I was. I will try, I will try, but please do not put me on a pedestal because that way things are not completely honest. At Yale-NUS we all face similar struggles; let's all just share a little of ourselves with one another and try to help one another through it. (that's what CF is about.)
Dec 24, 2013
why good and bad exists in us: a revision (for kev)
(day 2 of nepal, 5pm)
i wish to revise my suggested reason for the innate tendency / choice in people to do evil. i once said that maybe we need the negatives to exist in order to know the positive. (reference blog post) but i don't think that's WHY we have the negatives in us. it's just a consequence. both for worse and for better.
so why? we're just fallen. we chose not to be innocently blinded, guided only by God's embrace. that's how it started out, and God Himself wanted to protect us from this pain of choice that is presented only when we know of the other side, but then we chose to be exposed to good and evil; we ate the fruit of the knowledge. therefore we must be aware of both sides. the reason is the seed deposited in all of us.
--
(TLDR - just a random ramble:
As I read The Fault In Our Stars and muse on how all its philosophical ideas are weaved into a teenagery love story, I think: no, perhaps if given the opportunity again, i would still say no. Perhaps he is not worth me. He has not been privy to the things that go on in my head, the basket weaves and yarn loops of philosophies about love and futility and beauty and identity and the universe and God. The only person who has - sufficiently but still only a little - is probably kev - he’s probably the only one I’ve talked to long enough, and deep enough, for conversations to occasionally lead down that road. And the conversations also help me further refine my philosophies - when I look back I snip away at the parts that don’t make sense anymore, or add weaves of his perspectives and still try to come to some sort of a resolution with that addition. Even then, he has only seen a glimpse, and I often denounce my relationship with these philosophies once I speak them aloud, because I realise they need to be further refined, or they still don't really do my thoughts justice. He also hasn't seen my theories / philosophies about God, I think. Maybe I've talked about them in bits and pieces to people from time to time, but never all together - it's far too much, and the thought processes have spanned years.
I think in misty clouds, and spoken or written words help me concretise them so that I can look at the thoughts and see if they really make sense. I wonder if I’ll talk to anyone long enough for them to know all of me and all my thoughts, including those that are still misty, the huge clouds I still do not understand. Maybe I don't fully understand any of them, actually. I wonder if beyond kev I’ll have the energy to build the bonds of friendship with anyone else through these discussions, these ones that matter, upon which our lives are built, that lead into the night with their tears and silences, and with the space for me to relook and refine.)
i wish to revise my suggested reason for the innate tendency / choice in people to do evil. i once said that maybe we need the negatives to exist in order to know the positive. (reference blog post) but i don't think that's WHY we have the negatives in us. it's just a consequence. both for worse and for better.
so why? we're just fallen. we chose not to be innocently blinded, guided only by God's embrace. that's how it started out, and God Himself wanted to protect us from this pain of choice that is presented only when we know of the other side, but then we chose to be exposed to good and evil; we ate the fruit of the knowledge. therefore we must be aware of both sides. the reason is the seed deposited in all of us.
--
(TLDR - just a random ramble:
As I read The Fault In Our Stars and muse on how all its philosophical ideas are weaved into a teenagery love story, I think: no, perhaps if given the opportunity again, i would still say no. Perhaps he is not worth me. He has not been privy to the things that go on in my head, the basket weaves and yarn loops of philosophies about love and futility and beauty and identity and the universe and God. The only person who has - sufficiently but still only a little - is probably kev - he’s probably the only one I’ve talked to long enough, and deep enough, for conversations to occasionally lead down that road. And the conversations also help me further refine my philosophies - when I look back I snip away at the parts that don’t make sense anymore, or add weaves of his perspectives and still try to come to some sort of a resolution with that addition. Even then, he has only seen a glimpse, and I often denounce my relationship with these philosophies once I speak them aloud, because I realise they need to be further refined, or they still don't really do my thoughts justice. He also hasn't seen my theories / philosophies about God, I think. Maybe I've talked about them in bits and pieces to people from time to time, but never all together - it's far too much, and the thought processes have spanned years.
I think in misty clouds, and spoken or written words help me concretise them so that I can look at the thoughts and see if they really make sense. I wonder if I’ll talk to anyone long enough for them to know all of me and all my thoughts, including those that are still misty, the huge clouds I still do not understand. Maybe I don't fully understand any of them, actually. I wonder if beyond kev I’ll have the energy to build the bonds of friendship with anyone else through these discussions, these ones that matter, upon which our lives are built, that lead into the night with their tears and silences, and with the space for me to relook and refine.)
Dec 23, 2013
on pain
"As Antonietta Meo lay dying at the ripened age of six from this agonizing cancer, she told her father, "Pain is like fabric: The stronger it is, the more it's worth." Is that true, Hazel?"
"No," I shouted over the music. "That's bullshit."
"But don't you wish it were true!"
"No," I shouted over the music. "That's bullshit."
"But don't you wish it were true!"
all the unholdable things that get handled
"'Always' was a promise! How can you just break the promise?"
"Sometimes people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them," I said.
Isaac shot me a look. "Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway."
"Sometimes people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them," I said.
Isaac shot me a look. "Right, of course. But you keep the promise anyway. That's what love is. Love is keeping the promise anyway."
the fault in our stars
"So what's your story?" he asked, sitting down next to me at a safe distance.
"I already told you my story. I was diagnosed when-"
"No, not your cancer story. Your story. Interests, hobbies, passions, weird fetishes, etcetera."
"Um," I said.
"Don't tell me you're one of those people who becomes their disease. I know so many people like that. It's disheartening. Like, cancer is in the growth business, right? The taking-people-over business. But surely you haven't let it succeed prematurely."
I read this book halfway through about two months ago, when I finally had a free Monday schoolnight to do whatever I wanted. No readings or assignments to rush through. I could go anywhere. Do anything. So I decided to finally read something of my own choice, instead of something that was assigned to me.
(I know, right? What has become of my life? Staying in a building 24/7, and the one chance I have to go out and do whatever I want I decide to stay in and read like I've been doing the entire term anyway. My parents would be shocked, what with all my 1am nights before school started.)
Anyway, I thought I'd be able to start and finish it that night, but I didn't, and I didn't have the chance to read the rest of it after that, so I decided to restart the book (and I will finish it today). It's funny. I see a lot more now that I read it again even though I already saw and understood all this the first time. Like this quote. I liked it the first time I saw it, and I believe in it too, but it's only now that I decide to type it down. Perhaps because now I am so much more fascinated by the wealth of experiences and lessons and opinions behind each passing face, how nobody is one-dimensional, someone who seems completely uninteresting have their own beautiful moments if only you are willing to look.
"I already told you my story. I was diagnosed when-"
"No, not your cancer story. Your story. Interests, hobbies, passions, weird fetishes, etcetera."
"Um," I said.
"Don't tell me you're one of those people who becomes their disease. I know so many people like that. It's disheartening. Like, cancer is in the growth business, right? The taking-people-over business. But surely you haven't let it succeed prematurely."
I read this book halfway through about two months ago, when I finally had a free Monday schoolnight to do whatever I wanted. No readings or assignments to rush through. I could go anywhere. Do anything. So I decided to finally read something of my own choice, instead of something that was assigned to me.
(I know, right? What has become of my life? Staying in a building 24/7, and the one chance I have to go out and do whatever I want I decide to stay in and read like I've been doing the entire term anyway. My parents would be shocked, what with all my 1am nights before school started.)
Anyway, I thought I'd be able to start and finish it that night, but I didn't, and I didn't have the chance to read the rest of it after that, so I decided to restart the book (and I will finish it today). It's funny. I see a lot more now that I read it again even though I already saw and understood all this the first time. Like this quote. I liked it the first time I saw it, and I believe in it too, but it's only now that I decide to type it down. Perhaps because now I am so much more fascinated by the wealth of experiences and lessons and opinions behind each passing face, how nobody is one-dimensional, someone who seems completely uninteresting have their own beautiful moments if only you are willing to look.
2012 and 2013: A Review (Part 1)
I think I'm crazy for attempting to do this at 12am, so I'll just do 2012 now, and maybe 2013 in the next few days.
Jan - March: MOE Teaching Internship at Crescent, where I taught Sec 2 Lit and Sec 3 English. My Sec 2 classes were adorable. The novelty of a young teacher - they all wanted to find out more about me and stuff. I had some freedom to plan and execute classes my way, which was great because I had some flexibility although also a structure so I didn't have to start from scratch. Showed them Sungha Jung videos to learn about mood and atmosphere, let them listen to snippets from songs like Life Is A Highway and Hot And Cold to learn about metaphors, etc (looking back, this was also a great preparation for teaching English at City College this year). Also got to exercise a bit of old dance discipline mistress strictness when they got too relaxed, lol. [my Facebook album]
And, of course, got my A Level results and UK/US uni offers. I was really thrilled about East Anglia's creative writing director sending me a personal email to say he was 'extremely impressed' with my portfolio. I hope it was genuine.
First picture: I was at the MOE internship with Geraldine and Rachel Louis, and it was another working day before our A Level results release, so we got Macs and cupcakes to calm our nerves lol.
Second picture: My foster siblings came back to Singapore to get their results, so they stayed at my place!! Yay fun.
Also crashed Orientation for the first time as an ex-student - I crashed Jessica Chen's OG, since she was both my OG kid and Council junior (I'm so proud of her). Made friends and they were nice people, and became really good friends with Ruo Wei (and crashed his OG this year! Ah I feel like I should do 2013 tonight too, but no, must restrain.) Oh before the new kids came in the Council band also led worship at chapel again, but it didn't go very well.
(Hmm, where are my 2012 crasher Orientation photos?!?!)
And started giving tuition, which I'm still doing. In 2012 I had a lot of students. The ages range from 8-21, and I usually teach English. In 2012 it was more Sec 2 English for Express and Normal streams.
April: For two weeks, I relieved two GP teachers at ACJC across six classes. I think they were all JC2 classes, so one year my junior. For the first week I got to teach, which was really fun. I wasn't a great teacher and made some mistakes, but it was a good experience anyhow - giving them cheat tips, showing them the female genital mutilation video (lol), holding a debate... I didn't have the freedom of planning the lesson, but it was cool anyhow. It was also when I asked about their perceptions of homosexuality [link]. I remember I was invigilating a class for a GP paper and reading Angels and Demons, and when I get really absorbed in a book my head goes really far down so they thought I was sleeping lol. In the second week the teacher just told me to make them sit down and do their newspaper articles, so the students thought I was just lazy and boring. But relieving was fun anyhow, especially with Abi and Gideon!
(Second picture: Oh yeah, also, Valentine's Day was spent with these kids at the Titanic exhibition and then at Abi's house watching Titanic hahaha)
April - June: Waitressed at Shinji by Kanesaka. Emme asked me if I wanted to work there, 'cos her mum owns the place, and I took it up because I thought they needed the help. (I was wrong.) It was insane and really draining - three times a week I'd reach slightly past 10 with my hair in a bun and light makeup done, change into the kimono and clogs, and be at the main place at 10.15 to sweep/mop the floor, clean the chairs, etc. You had to be mostly invisible, yet perfect - stand quietly by the side with your hands clasped in front of you, occasionally checking to see if anyone needed their tea refilled, etc. I definitely learnt a lot, and I'm very thankful for the experience, but I wouldn't work in an atas restaurant again. I learnt a lot both from the working environment and the customers. Rich people. Interesting people. Two customer experiences I remember clearly are the time this guy was discussing the different universities (when his friend left for a minute I asked him how he felt about staying local versus going overseas, because I was choosing between my university offers at that time), and this other time these two guys were talking about Yale-NUS. They actually talked about Jim Sleeper, about how his posts were ignorant and ridiculous. When they were about to leave I told them I was going to go there, and we're a fantastic bunch, and we'd prove them wrong. He suggested we contribute to the Yale Daily.
I remember spending most of my working days looking forward to the 2.5h lunch break. Fantastic Japanese lunches by the chefs, and a nap on the floor of the dressing room. And then it'd be work again until about 10+ or 11pm, and I'd leave really tired, catching a late train home. Sometimes I'd treat myself to a Starbucks or McFlurry.
Also, I applied and got into Yale-NUS somewhere around this time, and went for the Experience Yale-NUS Weekend!! It's a weekend where admitted students are invited for sample classes, college-shaping activities (e.g. what you'd do with a $100,000 funding; initial student club ideas) and other things. Obviously the highlight of that for me was the 2-4am chat with nine others - Dylan, Kevin, Xi Min, Theo, Eugene, Rio, Amrullah, etc - and, needless to say, all ten involved that night are here in the inaugural cohort today. We just couldn't turn Yale-NUS down after that fantastic chat, eh? (here's the link to my post about the EYW) (GUYS IT HAS BEEN MORE THAN 1.5 YEARS)
Ah, and my birthday was shortly after EYW. Went out with Ji En for breakfast, Dylan for lunch...what did I do for dinner??? And Eugene for lunch the following day!
Oh, also, Ruo Wei's erhu solo at the Chinese Orchestra concert!
July: I got baptised! Start of the name Hannah, haha. Here's the reason I gave myself the name, so that no one has to ask anymore. I think I spent this month just chilling, after the exhausting waitressing stuff.
August - Jan 2013: Started work at the Yale-NUS admissions office with Ronald, Jared, Amrullah, Kevin, Ximin (and later, Sau)!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEE best job ever; perhaps I stayed a little too long - should've tried out other jobs, but this was too fun. Managing the Facebook page, taking prospective students on tours of University Town, being given money to design the showroom suite with Jared (everything's still how I arranged them, including my photos / post-its / untouched Japanese self-study books / piano books / the f21 hat), it was all fantastic.
And of course, all the other fantastic Yale-NUS events - trivia night at Brewerkz, Paintball.. and all the informal Saturday gatherings - my place, Theo's birthday and bowling, Les Mis, etc.
August: Also went to Penang for the first time with Maddie. Stayed at Fang Jiunn's place and he took us around. I love the walls. And the wall art. And the char kuay teow!!! [my Facebook album]
October: Travelled to the UK for the first time, alone! For a whole month. Fantastic experience. Started in my mum's friend's vineyard in Oxfordshire (still the best 8 days of my life), then stayed with Geraldine in London for a couple of days and then at an apartment with Theo, and then Theo and I went up to Edinburgh and stayed at a backpacker's and Christabel took us around. Then Theo left and I went to Coventry to stay with Jaslyn at my initial dream university, Warwick (and it's a bloody beautiful place! Also went to Stratford-upon-Avon); then I stayed with Andrew's grandparents at Barnet, Greater London. I loved it. I love the UK. I loved walking around on my own. Beautiful place, beautiful atmosphere.
(the links are to my Facebook albums for the places!)
November: Went to Australia with my family and my cousin Ivan, because my dad was finishing his Master's there. We started at Canberra and drove through places like Wollongong and Kiama and ended at Sydney. I've been to Australia but never to these places, and it was also great. [my Facebook albums: Part 1, Part 2]
December: City Harvest Bible Boot Camp, Christmas in KL with the cousins as usual (I think), and NUS's Varsity Christian Fellowship Annual Teach-In Camp! It was a great experience - breakfast, workshop, lunch, workshop, dinner, workshop, supper. It's where I learnt about Islam and also how the Bible was canonised (how the 66 books came to be the 66 books over the years). Opened my mind to a lot of things. Also, the close reading on Colossians was fantastic.
Also the undercurrent stuff, ahem ahem lol
Jan - March: MOE Teaching Internship at Crescent, where I taught Sec 2 Lit and Sec 3 English. My Sec 2 classes were adorable. The novelty of a young teacher - they all wanted to find out more about me and stuff. I had some freedom to plan and execute classes my way, which was great because I had some flexibility although also a structure so I didn't have to start from scratch. Showed them Sungha Jung videos to learn about mood and atmosphere, let them listen to snippets from songs like Life Is A Highway and Hot And Cold to learn about metaphors, etc (looking back, this was also a great preparation for teaching English at City College this year). Also got to exercise a bit of old dance discipline mistress strictness when they got too relaxed, lol. [my Facebook album]
First picture: I was at the MOE internship with Geraldine and Rachel Louis, and it was another working day before our A Level results release, so we got Macs and cupcakes to calm our nerves lol.
Second picture: My foster siblings came back to Singapore to get their results, so they stayed at my place!! Yay fun.
Also crashed Orientation for the first time as an ex-student - I crashed Jessica Chen's OG, since she was both my OG kid and Council junior (I'm so proud of her). Made friends and they were nice people, and became really good friends with Ruo Wei (and crashed his OG this year! Ah I feel like I should do 2013 tonight too, but no, must restrain.) Oh before the new kids came in the Council band also led worship at chapel again, but it didn't go very well.
(Hmm, where are my 2012 crasher Orientation photos?!?!)
And started giving tuition, which I'm still doing. In 2012 I had a lot of students. The ages range from 8-21, and I usually teach English. In 2012 it was more Sec 2 English for Express and Normal streams.
April: For two weeks, I relieved two GP teachers at ACJC across six classes. I think they were all JC2 classes, so one year my junior. For the first week I got to teach, which was really fun. I wasn't a great teacher and made some mistakes, but it was a good experience anyhow - giving them cheat tips, showing them the female genital mutilation video (lol), holding a debate... I didn't have the freedom of planning the lesson, but it was cool anyhow. It was also when I asked about their perceptions of homosexuality [link]. I remember I was invigilating a class for a GP paper and reading Angels and Demons, and when I get really absorbed in a book my head goes really far down so they thought I was sleeping lol. In the second week the teacher just told me to make them sit down and do their newspaper articles, so the students thought I was just lazy and boring. But relieving was fun anyhow, especially with Abi and Gideon!
(Second picture: Oh yeah, also, Valentine's Day was spent with these kids at the Titanic exhibition and then at Abi's house watching Titanic hahaha)
April - June: Waitressed at Shinji by Kanesaka. Emme asked me if I wanted to work there, 'cos her mum owns the place, and I took it up because I thought they needed the help. (I was wrong.) It was insane and really draining - three times a week I'd reach slightly past 10 with my hair in a bun and light makeup done, change into the kimono and clogs, and be at the main place at 10.15 to sweep/mop the floor, clean the chairs, etc. You had to be mostly invisible, yet perfect - stand quietly by the side with your hands clasped in front of you, occasionally checking to see if anyone needed their tea refilled, etc. I definitely learnt a lot, and I'm very thankful for the experience, but I wouldn't work in an atas restaurant again. I learnt a lot both from the working environment and the customers. Rich people. Interesting people. Two customer experiences I remember clearly are the time this guy was discussing the different universities (when his friend left for a minute I asked him how he felt about staying local versus going overseas, because I was choosing between my university offers at that time), and this other time these two guys were talking about Yale-NUS. They actually talked about Jim Sleeper, about how his posts were ignorant and ridiculous. When they were about to leave I told them I was going to go there, and we're a fantastic bunch, and we'd prove them wrong. He suggested we contribute to the Yale Daily.
I remember spending most of my working days looking forward to the 2.5h lunch break. Fantastic Japanese lunches by the chefs, and a nap on the floor of the dressing room. And then it'd be work again until about 10+ or 11pm, and I'd leave really tired, catching a late train home. Sometimes I'd treat myself to a Starbucks or McFlurry.
Also, I applied and got into Yale-NUS somewhere around this time, and went for the Experience Yale-NUS Weekend!! It's a weekend where admitted students are invited for sample classes, college-shaping activities (e.g. what you'd do with a $100,000 funding; initial student club ideas) and other things. Obviously the highlight of that for me was the 2-4am chat with nine others - Dylan, Kevin, Xi Min, Theo, Eugene, Rio, Amrullah, etc - and, needless to say, all ten involved that night are here in the inaugural cohort today. We just couldn't turn Yale-NUS down after that fantastic chat, eh? (here's the link to my post about the EYW) (GUYS IT HAS BEEN MORE THAN 1.5 YEARS)
Ah, and my birthday was shortly after EYW. Went out with Ji En for breakfast, Dylan for lunch...what did I do for dinner??? And Eugene for lunch the following day!
Oh, also, Ruo Wei's erhu solo at the Chinese Orchestra concert!
July: I got baptised! Start of the name Hannah, haha. Here's the reason I gave myself the name, so that no one has to ask anymore. I think I spent this month just chilling, after the exhausting waitressing stuff.
August - Jan 2013: Started work at the Yale-NUS admissions office with Ronald, Jared, Amrullah, Kevin, Ximin (and later, Sau)!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEEEE best job ever; perhaps I stayed a little too long - should've tried out other jobs, but this was too fun. Managing the Facebook page, taking prospective students on tours of University Town, being given money to design the showroom suite with Jared (everything's still how I arranged them, including my photos / post-its / untouched Japanese self-study books / piano books / the f21 hat), it was all fantastic.
And of course, all the other fantastic Yale-NUS events - trivia night at Brewerkz, Paintball.. and all the informal Saturday gatherings - my place, Theo's birthday and bowling, Les Mis, etc.
August: Also went to Penang for the first time with Maddie. Stayed at Fang Jiunn's place and he took us around. I love the walls. And the wall art. And the char kuay teow!!! [my Facebook album]
October: Travelled to the UK for the first time, alone! For a whole month. Fantastic experience. Started in my mum's friend's vineyard in Oxfordshire (still the best 8 days of my life), then stayed with Geraldine in London for a couple of days and then at an apartment with Theo, and then Theo and I went up to Edinburgh and stayed at a backpacker's and Christabel took us around. Then Theo left and I went to Coventry to stay with Jaslyn at my initial dream university, Warwick (and it's a bloody beautiful place! Also went to Stratford-upon-Avon); then I stayed with Andrew's grandparents at Barnet, Greater London. I loved it. I love the UK. I loved walking around on my own. Beautiful place, beautiful atmosphere.
(the links are to my Facebook albums for the places!)
November: Went to Australia with my family and my cousin Ivan, because my dad was finishing his Master's there. We started at Canberra and drove through places like Wollongong and Kiama and ended at Sydney. I've been to Australia but never to these places, and it was also great. [my Facebook albums: Part 1, Part 2]
December: City Harvest Bible Boot Camp, Christmas in KL with the cousins as usual (I think), and NUS's Varsity Christian Fellowship Annual Teach-In Camp! It was a great experience - breakfast, workshop, lunch, workshop, dinner, workshop, supper. It's where I learnt about Islam and also how the Bible was canonised (how the 66 books came to be the 66 books over the years). Opened my mind to a lot of things. Also, the close reading on Colossians was fantastic.
Also the undercurrent stuff, ahem ahem lol
Dec 22, 2013
breathe me
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me; wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me; wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
[feel free to skip to 1:45 or something]
thin
Darling, darling, I hope you’re okay. Being skinny isn’t what’ll make you lovely. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.
(oh carmen d! at the risk of sounding extremely creepy: i was blog hopping and happened to go to your old blog and it wasn't in use anymore so i decided to click on a random archive, so i went to somewhere in 2011 and i saw this and just had to repost it)
(oh carmen d! at the risk of sounding extremely creepy: i was blog hopping and happened to go to your old blog and it wasn't in use anymore so i decided to click on a random archive, so i went to somewhere in 2011 and i saw this and just had to repost it)
because love, and a shower of blessings
And inevitably the conversation turned to relationships, and Daryl asked what your ideal spouse would be. And Xi Min said that the perfect partner is the one you choose. And I mentioned this line from this Tim Minchin song which goes, "I don't think you're special. I mean, I think you're special, but you fall within a bell curve." And Xi Min said that's what makes love so wonderful: that out of this whole range of people who are vaguely attractive, but equally un-special, you chose someone and made them special.
Isn't it lovely? The Bengawan Solo cashier, the poorly dressed aunty who brushes past you, the yawning man on the bus - each is the most beautiful person in the world to at least one other person; each has his/her own treasure trove of experiences that got them to exactly where they are at this moment. Behind every dull passing face is a slew of colourful experiences and thoughts, a whole life's twisted journey, a jungle, just like how we feel our own lives have so much contained within, so much more than meets the eye.
I am now reminded of this Threadless tee I saw once of a lion sinking its teeth into a zebra, and out of its black and white body sprayed forth blood of bright colours, like brilliant light spilling out of a small hole in darkness, screaming its hidden brilliance.
So I got back from Nepal yesterday (will blog about it more in the next few days) and will be leaving for KL tomorrow. I met up with four people separately in the past two days: four very special people with very special friendships that I'm very thankful to have (and/or to have had) in my life. Ended this little tour with dinner with the kor kor, who had just finished his pan-island tour too, going round to people's houses to deliver them gifts. I met him at the control station and he was wearing his Yale-NUS shades and he was like "are you Karen? Can you sign this please" and delivered me his gift, DHL-style.
It's now 1am and I haven't packed for KL, but I'm not sure if I can find the self-discipline to put his letters down - the daily log I made him promise to do in response to the letters I wrote him for every day I was away in Nepal (because I want to be around even when I'm not).
I am currently sitting on my new bed in my old room, my stuff all over the place, feeling very content and at peace with how I have spent the past two days in Singapore, with the people I have talked to face-to-face or online - although, Sarah, the chat was not enough; gotta meet again before you leave, and thank you so much for that amazing card. No, actually, in fact, none of the meetups fully satisfied, although they were fantastic. Only the start, despite the road already being so far trodden. Still only the initial trickle of a river. Still a gush of conversations to come.
Dec 21, 2013
Photographs
The travelling man takes a picture. I hold up my baby sister, my most prized possession. Travelling people come and go with a "namaste", fleeting faces and names I cannot pronounce, but I stay here. I am a speck, and my life is tiny, insignificant. But now I am in a camera. I exist there, preserved. A tinier me stands in this metal box with my baby sister, and the travelling man takes me around the world.
Dec 15, 2013
futility
Why do humans like to create futile things? Why do we draw, sing, write, dance, paint, knit? We do it for others, but we'd do it even if there were no external consequence. We create beautiful things just for the sake of it. For nothing. Put in effort just because. Isn't the human race also a futile beautiful creation?
[backlog]
1. I hope you realise now that you are not, in fact, 50. You're a deep thinker, but you are 22.
2. You said you believed love was something that could conquer all. I think you have realised that there is a love even greater, so much that it overcomes everything of ourselves.
2. You said you believed love was something that could conquer all. I think you have realised that there is a love even greater, so much that it overcomes everything of ourselves.
Dec 4, 2013
the side we hide
well we were talking. why do we get all the drama? everyone else’s life is so calm and fine
and i’m like are you actually saying that?
if there’s anything we’ve learnt recently it’s that ALL OUR LIVES are so turbulent
being tossed around tossed around, well sometimes it’s more like we’re a speck in a cup and everything’s whirling around us but someone who’s outside the cup knows that it’s going to be okay
but anyhow
i can’t believe you said that, now, after all this. everyone’s facing their load of shit. it’s college. hormones and emotions are messed up. people have also seen things, been places, swum depths.
i guess you haven’t heard and seen from the rest here as much as i have maybe. but the people who seem so carefree and pure, they have. they have been places. they have their layers and it amazes me. makes me feel both sad and amazed at how much depth there is in each individual, how we have barely put our fingernails to the surface of the iceberg of human experience in this world.
and i am so, very, so very sure that almost everyone thinks you’re this fine and dandy chap who hasn’t really known pain. simple-minded carefree happy person who only experiences the good stuff, and has not broken.
i have seen the sides of you that break my heart, too. but that’s because i have been one of the few privy to the behind-the-scenes. your movie reel is still playing. everyone’s is.
and i’m like are you actually saying that?
if there’s anything we’ve learnt recently it’s that ALL OUR LIVES are so turbulent
being tossed around tossed around, well sometimes it’s more like we’re a speck in a cup and everything’s whirling around us but someone who’s outside the cup knows that it’s going to be okay
but anyhow
i can’t believe you said that, now, after all this. everyone’s facing their load of shit. it’s college. hormones and emotions are messed up. people have also seen things, been places, swum depths.
i guess you haven’t heard and seen from the rest here as much as i have maybe. but the people who seem so carefree and pure, they have. they have been places. they have their layers and it amazes me. makes me feel both sad and amazed at how much depth there is in each individual, how we have barely put our fingernails to the surface of the iceberg of human experience in this world.
and i am so, very, so very sure that almost everyone thinks you’re this fine and dandy chap who hasn’t really known pain. simple-minded carefree happy person who only experiences the good stuff, and has not broken.
i have seen the sides of you that break my heart, too. but that’s because i have been one of the few privy to the behind-the-scenes. your movie reel is still playing. everyone’s is.
Dec 3, 2013
seeds
When someone is so much a part of your life they leave little seeds in you, and a little part of you changes to become like the one. It could be the way you now say certain words a different way. Maybe now you type "mm kay" or say "yeah, go for it". Maybe it's a taste for rock music you've acquired, or strawberry-flavoured stuff, or hazelnut coffee. Maybe you swear more now. Maybe you grew to like driving out to the seaside. Perhaps you've developed a sense of humour. Maybe it's not even in the recognisable habits; the person has changed who you are. Maybe you've come to be a more introspective person. Or more dependent on others.
It doesn't have to be someone you've spent a lot of time with. It could just be someone you really like, or look up to. When you look up to someone you might imitate certain aspects of them without realising. You give these people a certain amount of influence over yourself.
The weight of your entirety might have left me but you still remain in the little, the everyday. I only eat seedless grapes. I never drink Yeo's green tea anymore, only Heaven and Earth. And yeah, I still like beer. Perhaps a little too much now. I also still go to see the cats. I still walk the route we used to take, and the cats are still there. And you are in the wind of every storm.
It doesn't have to be someone you've spent a lot of time with. It could just be someone you really like, or look up to. When you look up to someone you might imitate certain aspects of them without realising. You give these people a certain amount of influence over yourself.
The weight of your entirety might have left me but you still remain in the little, the everyday. I only eat seedless grapes. I never drink Yeo's green tea anymore, only Heaven and Earth. And yeah, I still like beer. Perhaps a little too much now. I also still go to see the cats. I still walk the route we used to take, and the cats are still there. And you are in the wind of every storm.
Dec 2, 2013
Applying to Yale-NUS? A disclaimer
In the first few weeks of school, when the aircon repairmen entered my room when I was in class, three people on my floor messaged me to warn me about it, and one confronted them to ask why they were entering my room. When Al, whom some of us might not know since he's only starting college in 2015, got Jon Ho's (or was it Jon Tan?) permission to borrow his clothes, he got told off by Jon's neighbours for entering his room.
Yesterday a lovely person (who shall remain unnamed for angel-mortal anonymity) gave me a candy apple. Carissa had also made sweet potato brownies and was giving them out to anyone she saw. An hour ago, Janel gave me a little bag of the granola she was making in the kitchen. (ref: first picture) And Carissa made her mortal, Janel, a hand-sewn Good Morning towel drawstring bag.
We make one another tea. We leave little gifts, notes and snacks outside one another's rooms. We knock on one another's doors to sing them songs. When someone inconsiderately took Josh's instant noodles, he came back to his room to find four bowls of instant noodles at his door, given to him by loving classmates. Students stay up late to give remedial lessons to other students. Students who don't collect their clothes in time when they're done in the washer might even return to find that someone else has already helped to dry them.
(The second photo is a picture of my wardrobe door: some of the notes that my classmates have left on my door etc. this past semester. I have many more in my drawer, on my wall, and on the side of my shelf. Yes, I feel very much loved, and this is simply an example of the love that goes around this beautiful school.)
Students make an entire pot of barley (Adlin), or a whole cake (Liz Chan), or bread pudding (Reuben), or a massive amount of orange juice (Kei), and bring it to our student-run kitchen or leave it in the lounges for everyone to share. And they gain nothing from it. Except a lot of love.
We are a tiny college with just one tiny cohort right now, and we only need to hear someone's voice to know who it is. We can tell who's in whose room by the slippers they leave outside. We make random signages and posters and stick them wherever appropriate (or not, even). We have too many inside jokes, because we're all inside, together. Say "everyone's so beautiful" and we all think of Annette. Say "peace and love" and we all think of Shanice. Say "Canadian". Say "European". (also, say "annoying alarm clock" and they'll think of me lol)
Shenanigans. Shake Shack. Petrus Liu. Andrew Bailey. (Yes we love our profs just as much as we love each other!)
If you are applying to Yale-NUS simply because it's a fantastic school with incredible people and talent, if you're applying because you are a high achiever and you want to beat everyone, if you are selfish about academics or anything else and are not willing to share what you have, please don't bother.
One thing you must understand about Yale-NUS is that it is family. We definitely disagree a lot, but we all love and will go out of our way to help one another. We are not selfish with our skills. We want to teach and we want to learn. We give one another things, time, effort and our hearts. If you are selfishly elitist and are bent only on your own success without a regard for others', this is not the school for you.
Yesterday a lovely person (who shall remain unnamed for angel-mortal anonymity) gave me a candy apple. Carissa had also made sweet potato brownies and was giving them out to anyone she saw. An hour ago, Janel gave me a little bag of the granola she was making in the kitchen. (ref: first picture) And Carissa made her mortal, Janel, a hand-sewn Good Morning towel drawstring bag.
We make one another tea. We leave little gifts, notes and snacks outside one another's rooms. We knock on one another's doors to sing them songs. When someone inconsiderately took Josh's instant noodles, he came back to his room to find four bowls of instant noodles at his door, given to him by loving classmates. Students stay up late to give remedial lessons to other students. Students who don't collect their clothes in time when they're done in the washer might even return to find that someone else has already helped to dry them.
(The second photo is a picture of my wardrobe door: some of the notes that my classmates have left on my door etc. this past semester. I have many more in my drawer, on my wall, and on the side of my shelf. Yes, I feel very much loved, and this is simply an example of the love that goes around this beautiful school.)
Students make an entire pot of barley (Adlin), or a whole cake (Liz Chan), or bread pudding (Reuben), or a massive amount of orange juice (Kei), and bring it to our student-run kitchen or leave it in the lounges for everyone to share. And they gain nothing from it. Except a lot of love.
We are a tiny college with just one tiny cohort right now, and we only need to hear someone's voice to know who it is. We can tell who's in whose room by the slippers they leave outside. We make random signages and posters and stick them wherever appropriate (or not, even). We have too many inside jokes, because we're all inside, together. Say "everyone's so beautiful" and we all think of Annette. Say "peace and love" and we all think of Shanice. Say "Canadian". Say "European". (also, say "annoying alarm clock" and they'll think of me lol)
Shenanigans. Shake Shack. Petrus Liu. Andrew Bailey. (Yes we love our profs just as much as we love each other!)
If you are applying to Yale-NUS simply because it's a fantastic school with incredible people and talent, if you're applying because you are a high achiever and you want to beat everyone, if you are selfish about academics or anything else and are not willing to share what you have, please don't bother.
One thing you must understand about Yale-NUS is that it is family. We definitely disagree a lot, but we all love and will go out of our way to help one another. We are not selfish with our skills. We want to teach and we want to learn. We give one another things, time, effort and our hearts. If you are selfishly elitist and are bent only on your own success without a regard for others', this is not the school for you.
Nov 29, 2013
mrrrp mrrrrp procrastination
i finished half your box of merci chocolates yesterday and according to the nutritional info at the back that means i’ve taken in more than 20g of saturated fat, and about 40g of fat altogether
OH MY CRAP
and i mean, this won’t make me stop, it’ll just make me feel more guilty LOL
but i still refuse to share them with anyone because you gave them to me as a token of your gratitude and i will ingest every gram and my body will absorb every calorie and i will be fat on the gratitude of my older brother
remember the time we were sitting on your bed reading the odyssey, and you made mention of that really pessimistic worldview that you have, and it just made me really so sad that that was how you fundamentally saw the world. i mean, it made a lot of sense and i most likely would have adopted it too if i hadn’t been touched by God five years ago. but it just made me so sad. and i was like, no, kevin, no!! don’t think like that. and i was obviously very upset. and you didn’t understand why. you were laughing, “what? why?” and i just didn’t want to say anything and i could feel tears coming to my eyes so i lay down curled up facing away from you. and you were laughing, puzzled, “eh! what’s this?!” and i just didn’t speak. and then you continued reading the odyssey for like two seconds and then you started laughing and shoved the book into my face to show me a passage that was supposedly funny. and i was like, mmh. and two seconds later you did the same thing again, shove the book into my face and show me some other not-really-funny passage. and the sadness went away by the time you did it the second time, only because it was so adorable how you were trying to cheer me up this way
(i'm not sure why i decide to repost some of my tumblr posts here. it's like that's my word vomit space and this is the filtered bowl. since starting that tumblr i've had, in 3.5 weeks, 133 posts, and the number of reblogged stuff from elsewhere can probably be counted on one hand. i think with a space to word vomit so comfortably i just totally can't be bothered with poetically phrasing things and spending time making posts sound nice and being creative anymore. mm that's not very good.)
OH MY CRAP
and i mean, this won’t make me stop, it’ll just make me feel more guilty LOL
but i still refuse to share them with anyone because you gave them to me as a token of your gratitude and i will ingest every gram and my body will absorb every calorie and i will be fat on the gratitude of my older brother
remember the time we were sitting on your bed reading the odyssey, and you made mention of that really pessimistic worldview that you have, and it just made me really so sad that that was how you fundamentally saw the world. i mean, it made a lot of sense and i most likely would have adopted it too if i hadn’t been touched by God five years ago. but it just made me so sad. and i was like, no, kevin, no!! don’t think like that. and i was obviously very upset. and you didn’t understand why. you were laughing, “what? why?” and i just didn’t want to say anything and i could feel tears coming to my eyes so i lay down curled up facing away from you. and you were laughing, puzzled, “eh! what’s this?!” and i just didn’t speak. and then you continued reading the odyssey for like two seconds and then you started laughing and shoved the book into my face to show me a passage that was supposedly funny. and i was like, mmh. and two seconds later you did the same thing again, shove the book into my face and show me some other not-really-funny passage. and the sadness went away by the time you did it the second time, only because it was so adorable how you were trying to cheer me up this way
(i'm not sure why i decide to repost some of my tumblr posts here. it's like that's my word vomit space and this is the filtered bowl. since starting that tumblr i've had, in 3.5 weeks, 133 posts, and the number of reblogged stuff from elsewhere can probably be counted on one hand. i think with a space to word vomit so comfortably i just totally can't be bothered with poetically phrasing things and spending time making posts sound nice and being creative anymore. mm that's not very good.)
attempted rhyme and run-on-line
(hastily scribbled a day ago, and therefore hopefully irrelevant now)
december '12: a reflection, a repetition
december '12: a reflection, a repetition
oh how we all go down the same damn road
all tried with its lies and its traps and its holes
and we know where they go; we’ve all been down below
but the road commands that we trod again slow
so breathe every minute of ache and despair
and seconds of sparks that make cigarette burn marks
and set fire to your hands and your lips and your hair
as you give yourself away until you are bare
and left only with deeper scratch marks and a stone
in your stomach that tells you again you’re alone
all tried with its lies and its traps and its holes
and we know where they go; we’ve all been down below
but the road commands that we trod again slow
so breathe every minute of ache and despair
and seconds of sparks that make cigarette burn marks
and set fire to your hands and your lips and your hair
as you give yourself away until you are bare
and left only with deeper scratch marks and a stone
in your stomach that tells you again you’re alone
(this is the road of further regrets and you know
it will never work out this way but there’s no
stopping yourself and the aches will never let go
so i won’t hold you back and i’ll let it all flow)
it will never work out this way but there’s no
stopping yourself and the aches will never let go
so i won’t hold you back and i’ll let it all flow)
keeping track
the past few weeks have been a little more introspective and difficult in ways, and this week has been a hell of a strange emotional kaboom. like a baby kicking me in all directions in the womb. but in my heart. or whatever. but right now i am reminded of a couple of people i haven't caught up with in some time like i should have. so, a few shoutouts here:
SUMAY HOW IS LIFE must update me before i go to nepal or kl please (i mean, i might not even make it back from nepal alive)
DENISE heard you're sick :(((( ackkk please get better soon and when we're better we'll talk love you loads i'm sorry for neglecting you :(
CHARLOTTE i am sorry i didn't get to praise+worship with you that time. muacks muacks we shall find time to chat
YIXUAN+BAOYUN we shall convene in all love and trust and faith and beauty soon, lots of love
-
personal note:
- Kei wants to meet up and chat (yayz i really do want to get to know her better)
- Tara has a story for me
- Weiliang & Derrick when y'all are back from the US and I'm back in SG
- Rachel and Teressa - possible to meet before I go to Nepal?? If not, New year's for sure!!
SUMAY HOW IS LIFE must update me before i go to nepal or kl please (i mean, i might not even make it back from nepal alive)
DENISE heard you're sick :(((( ackkk please get better soon and when we're better we'll talk love you loads i'm sorry for neglecting you :(
CHARLOTTE i am sorry i didn't get to praise+worship with you that time. muacks muacks we shall find time to chat
YIXUAN+BAOYUN we shall convene in all love and trust and faith and beauty soon, lots of love
-
personal note:
- Kei wants to meet up and chat (yayz i really do want to get to know her better)
- Tara has a story for me
- Weiliang & Derrick when y'all are back from the US and I'm back in SG
- Rachel and Teressa - possible to meet before I go to Nepal?? If not, New year's for sure!!
Nov 27, 2013
day 3
I am getting my typhoid and flu jabs today. After this I will rush back for my lit presentation exam. I will be speaking about how the themes of marital and spiritual union in Yusuf and Zulaikha shed light on the temporality and imperfection of the physical world as opposed to the realm of heaven.
At the clinic they ask me three times “are you well?” and I say yes without hesitating. I am made to sign a declaration that I am well. Well actually my heart is in a state of small panicky anxiety and I feel like throwing up but it has nothing to do with the jabs and it is entirely emotional.
It does not hurt. But feel the volume of things they are putting into you. They are foreign, external, but they are supposed to protect me better than my own body can.
Look at the tiny holes they have punctured into my skin. I can be strong too. Later I shall go up to your room and see if you are awake and ask if you’re really sure about giving things a miss, and maybe give you a hug because I need one, because of you.
At the clinic they ask me three times “are you well?” and I say yes without hesitating. I am made to sign a declaration that I am well. Well actually my heart is in a state of small panicky anxiety and I feel like throwing up but it has nothing to do with the jabs and it is entirely emotional.
It does not hurt. But feel the volume of things they are putting into you. They are foreign, external, but they are supposed to protect me better than my own body can.
Look at the tiny holes they have punctured into my skin. I can be strong too. Later I shall go up to your room and see if you are awake and ask if you’re really sure about giving things a miss, and maybe give you a hug because I need one, because of you.
Nov 26, 2013
i guess i do thrive only on pain
I was looking through my blog post tags and I realised I have more under the tag "love is not good" than "love"
hahahaha
brings back memories, these
search: "love is not good"
hahahaha
brings back memories, these
search: "love is not good"
tip #3
it's okay to not feel okay once in a while.
i have a song for this, and it's my favourite acapella song of all time. my dad was in a local group called Vocaluptous, and he left before they released their first album. this song was released ten years ago and it's still clear as water in my mind. favourite acapella song ever. not biased. i can't find a way to put it on my blog and the only way is to put the link to the post on my tumblr because it can be uploaded there. so here: quando (someday)
(the second half's in english, listen it through, it's worth it)
i have a song for this, and it's my favourite acapella song of all time. my dad was in a local group called Vocaluptous, and he left before they released their first album. this song was released ten years ago and it's still clear as water in my mind. favourite acapella song ever. not biased. i can't find a way to put it on my blog and the only way is to put the link to the post on my tumblr because it can be uploaded there. so here: quando (someday)
(the second half's in english, listen it through, it's worth it)
hold fast
years ago in sec 4, perhaps about a month or two after the breakup, i was in the car with my mum on the way home. probably after school. we were driving in silence and we were already in our neighbourhood approaching our street when she asked me if i was over the relationship yet. and i said yes i was. and she probed further, asked questions about the relationship. and i got very annoyed and said YES I AM OVER IT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT and tears were streaming down my face. and my mum said if you were truly over it you wouldn't be crying. and i thought, that's ridiculous. it'd be impossible to ever think about it without crying.
Nov 25, 2013
i will follow you into the dark
there are people in this world who are beautiful. but we never really see our true value. and sometimes we do not see ourselves for everything we are. often we subject ourselves to unnecessary pain, and think that it means we are strong. sometimes we think we are not worth certain things; they are for other people, they can pass us by.
but maybe, maybe, sometimes we do get a glimpse of our true worth. we know how precious we are and how He is ours, all ours, and we shine with His sacred glory. and we will wait for something we deserve.
i am a firm believer in living life and making the best of things, but it has resulted in regrets. perhaps it is not the best way of thinking. but sometimes things are beautiful and they subject themselves to darkness when all they need to do is shine. but i am not one to judge, never one to judge. and as long as the decisions you made were for yourself and yourself only, as long as you know you will not regret, i support and love you with all my heart. (if they were not entirely for yourself, or if you are not sure about whether you will not regret, then please, please think about it again.) you have all the time in the world, and i really really should stop talking because i don't know if my words have already done more than they ever should have. but i just want to say that i love you either way, as long as you feel it was best for yourself and yourself alone.
but maybe, maybe, sometimes we do get a glimpse of our true worth. we know how precious we are and how He is ours, all ours, and we shine with His sacred glory. and we will wait for something we deserve.
i am a firm believer in living life and making the best of things, but it has resulted in regrets. perhaps it is not the best way of thinking. but sometimes things are beautiful and they subject themselves to darkness when all they need to do is shine. but i am not one to judge, never one to judge. and as long as the decisions you made were for yourself and yourself only, as long as you know you will not regret, i support and love you with all my heart. (if they were not entirely for yourself, or if you are not sure about whether you will not regret, then please, please think about it again.) you have all the time in the world, and i really really should stop talking because i don't know if my words have already done more than they ever should have. but i just want to say that i love you either way, as long as you feel it was best for yourself and yourself alone.
jevon
so jevon plays 'across the universe' on the piano.
and yes, he is a musical genius, an absolute genius, but beyond his amazing skill he is so able to emote through his music, and that is what makes it so precious. as he plays i find my mind wandering and my heart becoming heavy. and i realise it is his music doing the magic; it's got my heart on a string. he takes you on a journey with each cadence, each rise and fall, and he reconciles it all again with a pensive sort of beauty.
and i want to be able to write like that someday. that is my goal. to write such that i get people to feel. to understand and share in what i have to offer.
and yes, he is a musical genius, an absolute genius, but beyond his amazing skill he is so able to emote through his music, and that is what makes it so precious. as he plays i find my mind wandering and my heart becoming heavy. and i realise it is his music doing the magic; it's got my heart on a string. he takes you on a journey with each cadence, each rise and fall, and he reconciles it all again with a pensive sort of beauty.
and i want to be able to write like that someday. that is my goal. to write such that i get people to feel. to understand and share in what i have to offer.
neither death nor life
so recently carissa had talked about how she had given people a particular something and happened to get back the same thing in return, and it reminded her of how God provides; as we give, we receive His favour, too, and we have no need to worry.
after the Haiyan donation drive i wrote carmen a letter. and i had very little space on my note and i didn't write down the full verse, but i quoted romans 8:38-39.
on 21 nov, after that minor but distressing episode, carissa wrote me a note.
today, janel wrote me a note.
i can't really remember when else i have been quoted this verse before - perhaps people have given it to me, but it never really left an impact, although i do quote this verse to people sometimes. i don't know. i've never really understood God's love. it's something i went to bible school to find out. and i remember the last day i was there, sneaking out of yale-nus's orientation program to attend the last day of mike connell's session, still trying to find God's love. wanting things done my way. i left crying, confused, angry. but i guess i forgot about it after things got running in school.
guess it's time to start thinking about it again, time to spend time with Him again, the promise i keep making and breaking.
after the Haiyan donation drive i wrote carmen a letter. and i had very little space on my note and i didn't write down the full verse, but i quoted romans 8:38-39.
on 21 nov, after that minor but distressing episode, carissa wrote me a note.
today, janel wrote me a note.
i can't really remember when else i have been quoted this verse before - perhaps people have given it to me, but it never really left an impact, although i do quote this verse to people sometimes. i don't know. i've never really understood God's love. it's something i went to bible school to find out. and i remember the last day i was there, sneaking out of yale-nus's orientation program to attend the last day of mike connell's session, still trying to find God's love. wanting things done my way. i left crying, confused, angry. but i guess i forgot about it after things got running in school.
guess it's time to start thinking about it again, time to spend time with Him again, the promise i keep making and breaking.
Nov 24, 2013
hmm.
I was looking through my blog posts searching for something that might be good enough to share with my schoolmates and realised how lousy all my writings are. It makes me want to laugh at myself for how writing's all I like to do and all of it has amounted to talent the size of a molehill, but then it makes me scared, because I don't know what I want. I know I like to write and I seek to brings hearts together through my writing - to find a broken person and help her realise I know how she feels, too. But I don't really work at developing it. It's only cathartic. I don't like looking at my writing as a piece of work to be scrutinised and stuff because it feels too personal and I try to create a very specific voice and feel. I don't know. And I don't like knowing that everything I love to do is just...just so not up to any standard at all. Maybe I'm also not that keen on sharing it, especially when there are people so extremely freaking talented around and I am tiny, but then am I veering away from my goal, then?
as i spend 12 hours working on 1 essay (9pm-5am, 12.30pm-4.30pm)
[11.43am]
can you take a look at my essay to see if it works?
Yeah, now?
eyyy don't come to my room now lol
Why
i just woke up
So?
If you say unglam I will punch you in the face
so i haven't brushed my teeth or bathed and my mind's not functioning that well la
Yeeeeah close enough
[3.55pm]
*walks into my room* "How's your essay going"
*puts a kitkat on my table*
"My essay's going well! Oh thanks! Actually I have the same kitkat too. Except mine is red, not orange."
*picks it up for a closer look*
"yes, it's orange la."
"oh yeah."
"well i can give you one back, except it won't be orange." *takes out my red one*
"In that case can you pretend I gave you the red one so that I can keep my orange one?"
and despite all the frustration of working on this bloody essay i am in a good mood
(also, thank you so much for coming to my room at 4.30am to take a look at my essay and magically fix everything just like that; i am grateful like you cannot imagine. thank you also for being colour-blind so that you probably didn't notice my eyes were red from my tears of frustration and exhaustion, because i really didn't want you to)
can you take a look at my essay to see if it works?
Yeah, now?
eyyy don't come to my room now lol
Why
i just woke up
So?
If you say unglam I will punch you in the face
so i haven't brushed my teeth or bathed and my mind's not functioning that well la
Yeeeeah close enough
[3.55pm]
*walks into my room* "How's your essay going"
*puts a kitkat on my table*
"My essay's going well! Oh thanks! Actually I have the same kitkat too. Except mine is red, not orange."
*picks it up for a closer look*
"yes, it's orange la."
"oh yeah."
"well i can give you one back, except it won't be orange." *takes out my red one*
"In that case can you pretend I gave you the red one so that I can keep my orange one?"
and despite all the frustration of working on this bloody essay i am in a good mood
(also, thank you so much for coming to my room at 4.30am to take a look at my essay and magically fix everything just like that; i am grateful like you cannot imagine. thank you also for being colour-blind so that you probably didn't notice my eyes were red from my tears of frustration and exhaustion, because i really didn't want you to)
the self
(by the way, here was my answer to the fill-in-the-sentence exercise about the self)
In my view, the self is composed of a unique consciousness,
one’s thoughts and emotions, and the entirety of his/her experience.
Nov 23, 2013
trust
"you don’t have to go, you know."
"no, i cannot be so irresponsible. it’s just a small problem after all."
"no, it’s big. to you."
(trust is also when you put a matter into someone else’s hands and you know that they will see it in the way that you see it, treat it with respect and hold it with the same amount of weight)
"no, i cannot be so irresponsible. it’s just a small problem after all."
"no, it’s big. to you."
(trust is also when you put a matter into someone else’s hands and you know that they will see it in the way that you see it, treat it with respect and hold it with the same amount of weight)
Nov 22, 2013
Carissa & Janel
stand beside it; we can't help the way it makes us glow
a short while later, carissa messaged me to announce a sleepover at the 9th floor lounge. they had rearranged the armchairs and sofas so we had a row of three cozy cots. i only got there at about 3am but they were still awake and talking. it turned out that we all had a strange night in bad ways. they had seen ugly things. and so we were just talking about it. talking about ugly things and ugly sides of people and how on earth does God love us when he sees all the filth? they said they had prayed for me when they were singing sad songs at the ledge, thinking about the ugly stuff they'd witnessed. janel is a very protective friend in an extremely sweet and cute way and after a while things got very desperate and sombre. like we were really struggling to find a way to see this world in the same light that we used to. everything just seemed black and ugly. at one point in time we decided that we hated everything.
but then carissa said some beautiful things. she's such an encouraging person. and i feel lousy and weak a lot but she reassures me that i have good things within me. and good things around me. and i felt so incredibly thankful for the friends i've made at ync, for God's favour, for people's trust, for all the conversations, for how all the friendships are very stable and secure. stability and security can be very hard to find, but i know my friendships are true and sincere, because i am so. and i felt so incredibly thankful that i had people like carissa and janel who'd sing me a song and have a sleepover just because i felt lousy, over an issue that wasn't big, either. (it wasn't big, but trust is a big thing, also a naive thing)
and so after the happier words and the reassurance of the existence of love and goodness, we fell asleep at about 5. at 10am jevon knocked on the door of the lounge; he had brought us breakfast because janel had left earlier for class but she told jevon to get us breakfast. omg the sweetest thing. so carissa and i ate, and then i went back to sleep until 11.30 (omg, on a schoolday too, felt like heaven) while carissa stayed in her cot with her computer. when i got up to take a shower carissa gave me a hug and i knew, i knew again, that i had her love. when janel was done with her morning class she came back to the lounge and she brought us some pretty awesome snacks. and so we stayed there until the third period probably, since we all had class then.
and, you know, my college life probably isn't the most exciting. i thought i'd be a lot more adventurous than this in college (it also made me afraid of the person i might turn into). i mean, the average night is spent wasting time in my room on facebook or on the guitar, or doing my readings in kevin's room. sometimes i blame my unexciting college life on my friend choices. but then i think, is it really unexciting in this sense? every time i think that, i know that the friends i have made are the most amazing, and i wouldn't have it any other way. and my college life is definitely beautiful in its own way. in all the love there is. i think about my friendship with kevin and how we're completely comfortable and free in sharing and showing all of ourselves. and how people like charlotte and denise feel comfortable with sharing about themselves with me and getting me to pray with them, and look at carissa and janel. there are also many others who show me love and trust and i am very satisfied with where i am right now. i'm probably in the best place now. if things get any better, it'll just go to show how there's really no limit to amazingness and beauty here at yale-nus lol.
sometimes people can be so full of goodness and love and it just leaves me in awe.
right now i'm at philosophy class and we're supposed to complete the sentence "in my view, the self is..." and the only word that comes to mind is "beautiful".
Stand beside it, we can't hide the way it makes us glow
It's no good unless it grows, feel this burning love of mine
Deep inside the ever-spinning, tell me does it feel
It's no good unless it's real, hill sides burning
Wild-eyed turning til we're running from it
I'd take care of you if you'd ask me to
In a year or two
Nov 20, 2013
if my heart was a house you'd be home
cheer up and dry your damp eyes and tell me when it rains
and I'll blend up that rainbow
above you and shoot it through your veins
and I'll blend up that rainbow
above you and shoot it through your veins
hai
so i just told 20+ people my most personal story. not every detail of course, but enough. i decided to tell it because it is what probably shaped me the most, probably contributed the most to who i am today. how i am needy, emotionally-driven, sympathetic. how i found a love for writing.
it might change people’s impressions of me in their minds. or to think i am not really who i profess to be. but i wanted to tell it because i wanted people to realise there’s more depth to who i am and the things i choose to believe in.
i cried a little as i was about to start the story. i said that i really wasn’t sure if i should share it, but i was the last person left and it was only fair that i did, and i wanted people to know that bit more about myself. and that i trusted them to keep it all confidential and for them not to let their opinions about me change.
(i forgot to say that trust is more than that. trust also means that when you let your story be told, they treat it with respect and empathy. using a personal story as a fuel for scrutinization, judgement and opinion is a subversion. i don’t want pity either. just take my story as it is, and understand that i am who i am today because of it.)
i’m still not sure about how i feel about it. i’m still talking softly, my heart’s still heavy. i’m not sure how i feel about telling something extremely personal about myself to a bunch of people i don’t know all that well. i kinda just want to curl up and play easy music on spotify or maybe curl up at the foot of kevin’s bed and take in the smell of his room.
i mean, i wouldn’t mind if these people were those i’m closer to, those whom i know love and care for me, and who wouldn’t let a story form their perceptions of me. i wouldn’t mind telling them at all.
yeah. but i’m glad i had josh as a sharing partner before we shared the story to the entire group. i knew i could cry in front of him. and that he would feel for me. that he is a loving person and like, my story didn’t matter to him in the sense that he’d go “oh, I know a bit more about karen now”, but rather that he’d just feel my pain and share my emotions or with me. or that’s the vibe i get anyway. i’m also glad val was there because she’s a lovely girl that i want to get to know better, and who is also full of simple love and compassion, who doesn’t look at my story and go “oh, interesting side of karen” but would first say “is she okay?”
i’m also glad that i ended with a resolution i hadn’t planned. that this has taught me that love is always love, and love is universal. and that as a Christian i should never judge or condemn. it never does anything good and it never makes anyone a better person.
there are other people i wish were there, but i’m sure i will share the stories with them anyway. i’m not sure if a while from now i will feel like i have just given a precious piece of myself out to the void, prostituted myself so easily.
it might change people’s impressions of me in their minds. or to think i am not really who i profess to be. but i wanted to tell it because i wanted people to realise there’s more depth to who i am and the things i choose to believe in.
i cried a little as i was about to start the story. i said that i really wasn’t sure if i should share it, but i was the last person left and it was only fair that i did, and i wanted people to know that bit more about myself. and that i trusted them to keep it all confidential and for them not to let their opinions about me change.
(i forgot to say that trust is more than that. trust also means that when you let your story be told, they treat it with respect and empathy. using a personal story as a fuel for scrutinization, judgement and opinion is a subversion. i don’t want pity either. just take my story as it is, and understand that i am who i am today because of it.)
i’m still not sure about how i feel about it. i’m still talking softly, my heart’s still heavy. i’m not sure how i feel about telling something extremely personal about myself to a bunch of people i don’t know all that well. i kinda just want to curl up and play easy music on spotify or maybe curl up at the foot of kevin’s bed and take in the smell of his room.
i mean, i wouldn’t mind if these people were those i’m closer to, those whom i know love and care for me, and who wouldn’t let a story form their perceptions of me. i wouldn’t mind telling them at all.
yeah. but i’m glad i had josh as a sharing partner before we shared the story to the entire group. i knew i could cry in front of him. and that he would feel for me. that he is a loving person and like, my story didn’t matter to him in the sense that he’d go “oh, I know a bit more about karen now”, but rather that he’d just feel my pain and share my emotions or with me. or that’s the vibe i get anyway. i’m also glad val was there because she’s a lovely girl that i want to get to know better, and who is also full of simple love and compassion, who doesn’t look at my story and go “oh, interesting side of karen” but would first say “is she okay?”
i’m also glad that i ended with a resolution i hadn’t planned. that this has taught me that love is always love, and love is universal. and that as a Christian i should never judge or condemn. it never does anything good and it never makes anyone a better person.
there are other people i wish were there, but i’m sure i will share the stories with them anyway. i’m not sure if a while from now i will feel like i have just given a precious piece of myself out to the void, prostituted myself so easily.
many denominations one faith
Denise came to my room and told me about stuff, and I decided that it was time for a prayer of power. Now, I come from a charismatic church and we believe in the charisma gifts of tongues, prophecy, etc., and not all Christians do. But I felt that this was the time for a prayer of power. One that would call upon Heaven's armies in the name of the Lord. If He was willing to give me words of knowledge, prophecy, visions or anything right now, I wanted them for the sake of the situation. Prayer is useless if all it does is make you feel better. Prayer activates, especially when you have reached the end of your own efforts. And this was time for something tangible to take place. I told her I was prepared for something to take place. I asked her if she minded if I started the prayer by praying in Tongues, and she was cool with it. So she made the Catholic sign of the cross and I prayed in Tongues.
I just like how our CF is interdenominational. Catholic or Christian, we all come together to worship. We bring elements of our own churches and their practices, but the same God works through it all.
I just like how our CF is interdenominational. Catholic or Christian, we all come together to worship. We bring elements of our own churches and their practices, but the same God works through it all.
Nov 19, 2013
How To Be A Knight
In short, our gentleman became so caught up in reading...his brains dried up, causing him to lose his mind.
when his mind was completely gone, he had the strangest thought any lunatic in the world ever had, which was that it seemed reasonable and necessary to him, both for the sake of his honour and as a service to the nation, to become a knight errant and travel the world with his armour and his horse to seek adventures and engage in everything he had read that knights errant engaged in...
1: Get your armour.
And the first thing he did was to attempt to clean some armour that had belonged to his great-grandfathers...out of the pastebaord he fashioned a kind of half-helmet that, when attached to the headpiece, took on the appearance of a full sallet. It is true that in order to test that if it was strong and could withstand a blow, he took out his sword and struck it twice, and with the first blow he undid in a moment what had taken him a week to create...
he made another one, placing strips of iron on the inside so that he was satisfied with its strength; and not wanting to put it to the test again, he designated and accepted it as an extremely fine sallet.
2: Get a good name.
he spent another eight days pondering this, and at last he called himself Don Quixote...
In any event, recalling that the valiant Amadis had not been content with simply calling himself Amadis but had added the name of his kingdom and realm in order to bring it game, and was known as Amadis of Gaul, he too, like a good knight, wanted to add the name of his birthplace to his own, and he called himself Don Quixote of La Mancha, thereby, to his mind, clearly stating his lineage and country and honouring it by making it part of his title.
3: Get a lady.
Having cleaned his armour and made a full helmet out of a simple headpiece, and having given a name to his horse and decided on one for himself, he realised that the only thing left for him to do was to find a lady to love...
He said to himself: "If I...meet with a giant somewhere...and defeat him, would it not be good to have someone to whom I could send him so that he might enter and fall to his knees before my sweet lady, and say in the humble voice of surrender: "I, lady, am the giant Caraculiambro, lord of the island Malindrania, defeated in single combat by the never sufficiently praised knight Don Quixote of La Mancha, who commanded me to appear before your ladyship, so that your highness might dispose of me as you chose"?"
It is believed that in a nearby village there was a very attractive peassant girl with whom he had once been in love, although she, apparently, never knew or noticed. Her name was Aldonza Lorenzo, and he thought it a good idea to call her the lady of his thoughts...
4: Get going.
he did not wish to wait any longer to put his thought into effect, impelled by the great need in the world that he believed was caused by his delay, for there were evils to undo, wrongs to right, injustices to correct...
Then he resumed speaking as if he truly were in love:
"O Princess Dulcinea, mistress of this captive heart! Thou hast done me grievous harm in bidding me farewell and reproving me with the harsh affliction of commanding that I not appear before thy sublime beauty. May it please thee, Señora, to recall this thy subject heart, which suffers countless trials for the sake of thy love."
HAHA Don Quixote is such a hilarious read
song on loop
You, you're my home
If you leave, I follow
And I overflow
But without you I'm hollow
Seven hours till I get to see you
Seven hours of this paperwork
Seven hours till I get to come back home
Seven hours of this walking daydream
Seven hours don't know what it's worth
Seven hours till I get to come back home
If you leave, I follow
And I overflow
But without you I'm hollow
Seven hours till I get to see you
Seven hours of this paperwork
Seven hours till I get to come back home
Seven hours of this walking daydream
Seven hours don't know what it's worth
Seven hours till I get to come back home
hummingbird
Wings move faster than the human eye
And if you could see my heart
Well if you could see my heart
Kept from flying outwards
Somehow I don't know
Wonder I don't come apart
Wonder I don't come apart
Always been like a hummingbird
And I can't keep still
Listen up, lover, listen up, I never will
And if you could see my heart
Well if you could see my heart
Kept from flying outwards
Somehow I don't know
Wonder I don't come apart
Wonder I don't come apart
Always been like a hummingbird
And I can't keep still
Listen up, lover, listen up, I never will
Nov 17, 2013
arise and build
how could i hope to find myself in Jesus’s tent when my heart was harbouring such bitterness and filth?
there is nothing undesirable and ugly in His presence. his permeating saturated atmosphere only allows for goodness and love.
look, God, look at the buckets of devotion, the pouring out of the faith of individuals in a steady stream. we pour ourselves out to you, whether in little or in large. as you watch the stream of devotion, God, won't you pour out your blessings upon us in the same flow. a river, a river of blessings in our empty troughs.
as i commit to small steps of faithfulness, may you grow the mustard seed in my heart. as i build your house, may you build your house in me.
there is nothing undesirable and ugly in His presence. his permeating saturated atmosphere only allows for goodness and love.
look, God, look at the buckets of devotion, the pouring out of the faith of individuals in a steady stream. we pour ourselves out to you, whether in little or in large. as you watch the stream of devotion, God, won't you pour out your blessings upon us in the same flow. a river, a river of blessings in our empty troughs.
as i commit to small steps of faithfulness, may you grow the mustard seed in my heart. as i build your house, may you build your house in me.
Nov 14, 2013
little sister
(reposted from my tumblr after much consideration)
11.22pm:
Oi
What's this about lending out my stuff to random people who ask for it?!
12.15pm: [in the shower]
Mistakes. I made a mistake today. I made an error of presumption: of assuming that people were as chill and easy with their stuff as I. I assumed that because you and I were chill, our possessions were also shared in a sense, like how I could sneak into your room and take your laundry coins from your kitty coinbox while you were asleep, or how you're okay with me napping on your bed / sleeping on your floor. (still, this is a weird assumption to make since we don't borrow each other's stuff often. Guess I assumed a chillness across the different aspects of a friendship.) You gave me a special kind of trust, and I loaned it out.
I make mistakes a lot, and you witness all of them: from taking an hour-long journey for nothing because I forgot they relocated, to oversleeping, to skipping work and leaving you with my load of crap to handle when you're already extremely stressed. I often like to think I'm more sensible or mature than you think, but the fact that I bare everything to you pretty much shows that this is the real me, a lot dumber than I'd like to be.
(side: Also, I know that when I get in an anxious mood with people that turns into frustration at everything else, it is very annoying. I know because I've argued with Jackie before, and we are very much alike, especially in this aspect. And the way the arguments tangent into everything else is ANNOYING. But I'm going to launch into a toned-down version of this anyway: not angry, just a musing about the broader things that don't really have to do with this, but do, too.)
I make mistakes a lot and disappoint you at times. (I also just misspelt 'disappoint'.) You sigh at me a lot, tolerate it, and accept the fact that I am young and stupid. I mean, that comes with being a little sister, right? Immature, dependent, dumb, full of the weirdest behaviours and mistakes, very much in need of guidance. People like me and sau, I guess, you see as little sisters; and you are the mature one who sees our youngness. Sometimes I don't like being a little sister, because it connotes that I am always the stumbling one who needs your guiding hand, and that you've nothing to gain from me because I'm the one who's a burden, with my dumb concerns and irrational fears (like, of capital letters). But that's true anyway, and I have to accept that you are very much more sensible and experienced. You're brilliant and I always mess up. And I know you see sau and me as kids, but not all younger people. You finally called someone an 'equal' one day: someone who doesn't just have it all in the fullest (looks, compassion, talent etc.), but who also has your approval. And it's true: while the cute colourful bits of her character exist, she is also strong, independent, very careful and mature-minded about things. I can only accept that I'm a klutz, and there is no use in trying to justify myself to you because you probably know me better than I know myself and your impression of me as a person is already so lousy but you still love me as a friend anyway.
When Sau and I talk, I feel like we hold each other's hearts in our hands. She and I acknowledge that we are the "little sisters" who are still falling and trying to learn, and who accept that we are this way: young and navigating through this maze that people like to think they're out of. We talk about stupid but real issues, accept that we do not know, and conclude that while we continue to stumble, we have each other. (look sau you're featured on my blog HAHA)
I don't like being an immature person who falls and makes mistakes, but it's probably better to accept it and let you see all the weaknesses of me than to try and cover it up to myself and justify my actually intelligent side to you. I mean, you're probably wondering why we're in the same college. I do think I give good insights in PPT and CSI seminars, but it's okay that you don't see them. The time I asked how she and I were different, you replied at night saying that you gave it some thought, and realised that I wasn't naive like you'd assumed. Life had given me some shit, and I wasn't an innocent thing who didn't know depth. Well, it's nice that you acknowledge it, but my lack of response to the shit means that this doesn't say anything about me. I don't have a resolution. I continue being weak and emotionally-driven, letting these things affect me. But I think it is a choice: I'm glad to allow myself to continue falling, feeling, participating in the human condition and sharing these broken bits of myself with others.
Sorry, I don't think there was a point in this rant. I just wanted to say that I am always the immature one making mistakes, and sometimes I wished you could feel like you gain from me too, that I'm not always the one learning. (Actually, sometimes I think you're a bit dumb too, like your whole 'moment of weakness' thing and regarding the last post-it I gave you, but that's a different matter.) And as you continue to accept my failings and I continue to surprise myself with how stupid I actually am, this is how we operate: the big brother accepting my immaturity and being with me as I stumble along, and me wishing i could also be an equal, but knowing that i still have a big portion of learning to do before the gap is filled. And I'm okay with it as long as you continue to let me hang around.
12:24pm:
HAHAHA joking lah
It's totally fine
Aiyah you think I'd be troubled by this kind of thing meh
11.22pm:
Oi
What's this about lending out my stuff to random people who ask for it?!
12.15pm: [in the shower]
Mistakes. I made a mistake today. I made an error of presumption: of assuming that people were as chill and easy with their stuff as I. I assumed that because you and I were chill, our possessions were also shared in a sense, like how I could sneak into your room and take your laundry coins from your kitty coinbox while you were asleep, or how you're okay with me napping on your bed / sleeping on your floor. (still, this is a weird assumption to make since we don't borrow each other's stuff often. Guess I assumed a chillness across the different aspects of a friendship.) You gave me a special kind of trust, and I loaned it out.
I make mistakes a lot, and you witness all of them: from taking an hour-long journey for nothing because I forgot they relocated, to oversleeping, to skipping work and leaving you with my load of crap to handle when you're already extremely stressed. I often like to think I'm more sensible or mature than you think, but the fact that I bare everything to you pretty much shows that this is the real me, a lot dumber than I'd like to be.
(side: Also, I know that when I get in an anxious mood with people that turns into frustration at everything else, it is very annoying. I know because I've argued with Jackie before, and we are very much alike, especially in this aspect. And the way the arguments tangent into everything else is ANNOYING. But I'm going to launch into a toned-down version of this anyway: not angry, just a musing about the broader things that don't really have to do with this, but do, too.)
I make mistakes a lot and disappoint you at times. (I also just misspelt 'disappoint'.) You sigh at me a lot, tolerate it, and accept the fact that I am young and stupid. I mean, that comes with being a little sister, right? Immature, dependent, dumb, full of the weirdest behaviours and mistakes, very much in need of guidance. People like me and sau, I guess, you see as little sisters; and you are the mature one who sees our youngness. Sometimes I don't like being a little sister, because it connotes that I am always the stumbling one who needs your guiding hand, and that you've nothing to gain from me because I'm the one who's a burden, with my dumb concerns and irrational fears (like, of capital letters). But that's true anyway, and I have to accept that you are very much more sensible and experienced. You're brilliant and I always mess up. And I know you see sau and me as kids, but not all younger people. You finally called someone an 'equal' one day: someone who doesn't just have it all in the fullest (looks, compassion, talent etc.), but who also has your approval. And it's true: while the cute colourful bits of her character exist, she is also strong, independent, very careful and mature-minded about things. I can only accept that I'm a klutz, and there is no use in trying to justify myself to you because you probably know me better than I know myself and your impression of me as a person is already so lousy but you still love me as a friend anyway.
When Sau and I talk, I feel like we hold each other's hearts in our hands. She and I acknowledge that we are the "little sisters" who are still falling and trying to learn, and who accept that we are this way: young and navigating through this maze that people like to think they're out of. We talk about stupid but real issues, accept that we do not know, and conclude that while we continue to stumble, we have each other. (look sau you're featured on my blog HAHA)
I don't like being an immature person who falls and makes mistakes, but it's probably better to accept it and let you see all the weaknesses of me than to try and cover it up to myself and justify my actually intelligent side to you. I mean, you're probably wondering why we're in the same college. I do think I give good insights in PPT and CSI seminars, but it's okay that you don't see them. The time I asked how she and I were different, you replied at night saying that you gave it some thought, and realised that I wasn't naive like you'd assumed. Life had given me some shit, and I wasn't an innocent thing who didn't know depth. Well, it's nice that you acknowledge it, but my lack of response to the shit means that this doesn't say anything about me. I don't have a resolution. I continue being weak and emotionally-driven, letting these things affect me. But I think it is a choice: I'm glad to allow myself to continue falling, feeling, participating in the human condition and sharing these broken bits of myself with others.
Sorry, I don't think there was a point in this rant. I just wanted to say that I am always the immature one making mistakes, and sometimes I wished you could feel like you gain from me too, that I'm not always the one learning. (Actually, sometimes I think you're a bit dumb too, like your whole 'moment of weakness' thing and regarding the last post-it I gave you, but that's a different matter.) And as you continue to accept my failings and I continue to surprise myself with how stupid I actually am, this is how we operate: the big brother accepting my immaturity and being with me as I stumble along, and me wishing i could also be an equal, but knowing that i still have a big portion of learning to do before the gap is filled. And I'm okay with it as long as you continue to let me hang around.
12:24pm:
HAHAHA joking lah
It's totally fine
Aiyah you think I'd be troubled by this kind of thing meh
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